Enigma

the 12 step program

2008-09-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

Where's the 12 step program for the heartbroken? Lovers Anonymous? I am coordinating my own program for heart recovery and membership is free. This program is for everyone who earnestly loved the wrong one. Finally, there is a program for those whose egos were bruised by the "I told you so's", minds are fragile from the jedi tricks, hopes are floating away on the "love don't live here boat", and spirits are challenged on whether to love again. Danity Kane tried to pretty up heartbreak in that cute little song that really doesn't tell the half of it.12 steps are too many. I'm shaving my list down to 8. I'll begin with the steps:
1. Admit you have a problem.
2. Pray... Specifically for clarity and guidance.
3. Don't play the blame game. 4. Practice listening to your spirit.
5. Reconnect with yourself and what you find important.
6.Use your support network for support and not sympathy.
7. Become comfortable with the knowledge that God makes NO mistakes.
8. Cry when you need to.

-DOC...on some real life s**t

Love on a Thursday

2008-04-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hand holding, inside jokes

shared memories of back strokes

flirtatious texts about shit we haven't tried yet

Hot drinks on cold days

Cuddling after wrestled play

wrapped in the same blanket when it rains

Heated debate

Intelligently disagreeing about our people's fate

Equally recognizing too little has been done too late

Out and about in our daily affairs

Insightful moments come

Knowing you would've loved to have been there

You visit my dreams and appear so real

Closer and clearer in view

"In bed asleep, while they do dream things true." -Shakespeare

-DOC

Acting Ugly

2008-04-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

I've found myself in a strange new land. A land where bullshit runs rampant and sex is the preferred currency. Love has no place here. Romance can't stay here and unfortunately I can't remember the turn I made that led me to this place. If I follow biblical knowledge, I'll find a way to be here without looking like I belong here...which is hard to do. My mind does not believe that I enjoy the indulgences of this town, but something within me is dying to try things out. Desire leads me to streets unknown and the more I follow desire the further away I get from home. The more necessity takes me from address to address, the less I'm able to decipher need from excess. There is a lesson for me to learn and without it I won't be able to leave. I needed to find grace and mercy for those who, some time ago, have walked these streets. I lacked compassion for those with homes unlike mine. The trials I endure here burn. They burn to keep the ugly out... of my spirit.

Pathways

2008-03-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

Our lives symbolize paths. We are in complete control of our paths. We decide whether or not we would like flowers or thorns to grow along our path. We decide which way we'll go at the forks in the road. The part about our life's path is that we think other people complete the pathway. The truth is that others have their entrances and exits along our path. There aren't any permanent walking partners unless God gave them to us at the beginning of our journey (family). I have spoken to so many women who are looking so hard for someone to walk with them that they no longer walk briskly. They have stopped walking. We have to move about our path whether we have walking partners or not. The path is your life and what you make of it. If you want others to join your pathway, make your path look like something someone else wants to be a part of. Enhance your life. Exercise. Care for your spirit. Work out your own issues. Learn how to have fun and enjoy your own company. Friends leave. Family passes on. Walking partners (intimate relationships) begin and end. All along the way, you will always have you. Be good to you... and don't ever be afraid to walk alone.

DOC

Deal? or No Deal?

2008-03-04T00:33:00.000-08:00

1. Hot Guy ... but a B.O.? Everytime you see him he smells like shit and wants to know why you are never free to hang out. Do you tell him his body smells like two week old seafood?

2. An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend... that married someone else but wants you back?

3. He/She is extremely attractive, down to earth, spiritual, ambitious, and ... sexual, in fact, so sexual that he/she has three children? Deal/No Deal?

4. Impotence? Sure, its understandable at 60 but what about at 25? Deal/No Deal? You're more into the heart/soul anyway, right?

5. Someone who wears tighty whities?

6. Long distance relationships?

7. He's a plumber. How does his blue collar match your ivy (or black ivy) background?

8. She's/He's a stripper? Are you okay with your bread being bought with "rain" money?

9. Ugly Feet? Do you roll out of bed like Eddie in Boomerang?

10. A virgin?

Fuji Apples and Peanut Butter...

2008-02-21T23:55:00.001-08:00

...the meal of choice for ambitious singles. 2008 has been an interesting year thus far and I've had a few realizations:

1. Emotions are overrated. Statements that begin with, "I feel..., When you said...," don't end with any concrete solutions so my recommendation is that you keep it to yourself.

2. Love means something completely different today than it did when the stomach butterflies were still alive. I'll even venture to say that my theory on love is still being shaped but I have learned enough of what love is not. Love is not being uncomfortable and afraid of being your complete self. Love is not being with someone that makes you feel as if you, as you are, are not enough. Love is not ambiguity. Love is well reasoned, compatible, and reciprocal.

3. You can't walk past the color purple in a field and never stop to notice it. Life is too short to fail to appreciate the beauty of nature. Every place has some sort of natural beauty (coastline, park, lake, ocean, flower garden) and it is our responsibility to rest beside it and breathe for our sanity's sake. Bottom line: Get out more.

4. Fuji Apples and Organic Peanut Butter prove to be a delightful snack for the health-conscious single with a sweet tooth on an otherwise gloomy LA day. Tony, Tone, Toney must not have visited So Cal when they made that song.

DOC

Home for the Holidays

2007-12-26T00:20:00.000-08:00

Every year, I feel this overwhelming need to see my family for the holiday season. I trick myself into believing that "this trip home" will be different from the last. I say things like, "I will go and visit _______ this year" or "I have to spend time with Uncle Buster since he's getting up there". My mind is filled with these grandiose ideas of relaxing with my mom over a cup of coffee, sleeping late, shopping, and family time. In my anticipation, I paint Chicago to be this oasis of winter wonderland complete with bright lights and smiling faces. That is until I arrive to find dirty ass slush on the ground and the smiling faces are buried under the massive Al-Qaida like scarves protecting faces from the soul-cracking wind. I've also become disgusted with this notion of Santa Claus. Jesus was not born on December 25th and if by some miracle he were, I seriously think he'd be bothered that we celebrate his birth with material possessions to show our love for one another. Its an age-old recognition that few take the time to reform.

Example #1:

Me (to the little bro): "So, were you excited about your GameStop gift card?"
Little Brother (the gamer): "well, yeah, but ... I asked for two gift cards. What happened to the toy store gift card?"

Example #2:

Little cousin (first grade): "I can spell my whole name."
me: "Really? Spell it for me."
(she proceeds to spell out her first, middle, and last name)
Little cousin: "Did you buy me a present?"
Me (in an awkward position...how do you explain temporary poverty to a child?): "No sweetie. I'm sorry."
Little Cousin (runs away quickly)

Maybe she should've asked me about the present before she wasted her time spelling her name... who knows. Anyhow, I'm usually not one for resolutions but I have one this year. Well, perhaps, more than one. to be continued...

PS... "What do the lonely do at Christmas?" is an awful song. Its like an invitation to suicide. I think it shouldn't be allowed on the radio between september 1st and january 2nd. Just a thought.

running on empty

2007-11-25T23:23:00.000-08:00

I have got to find him...
and I'm running like hell past your Prada shoes
i'm in high pursuit like "where's waldo?" books
I
hope he hears me
as I run yelling his name
and something inside of him feels my spirit pulling just the same
I'm not concerned about my being too tall
or if my hair is right
or my feet not small
enough
He
has a way of making things right
and somehow he hears the silent droplets on my pillow some nights
i'm picking up speed
hoping I catch him in the streets
hoping he can say something to me through someone I meet
When I get to him, i'm arriving with gratitude
for all the times i was in danger but somehow got rescued
I'm racing towards him with appreciation in my backpack
I've got adoration around my neck
with worship in my knapsack
Swift images of the ones I love pass by my eyes
i'm scurrying past the ones who weren't ready... too busy looking at my thighs
i'm rushing past the ones who only took from me
i'm sprinting through the intellectual, theorhetical, ... the stuff that makes me doubtful
I'm darting towards the hopeful, life-full, with my life-full and open
to give back to HIM.

An addendum to the Psalms

2007-11-25T22:55:00.000-08:00

When I was able to see the Lord again, there was great weeping
but only from my eyes.
When I found the strength to stop hiding from him, shackles were broken
but only on my side.
Looking over the shackles that restrained my beautiful feet, I saw the names of them...
the countless men, things, agendas, degrees, accomplishments that were no longer important because they didn't include HIM.
As one hand released my earthly concerns, the other became weighted down by grace, mercy, favor, patience, peace, and most importantly love.
Needless to say, I had to let my worldly cares go in order to carry God's goodness. And,
needless to say, I'm choosing to walk away from some people and things if HE doesn't choose them. The beautiful part is that the empty place these items occupied is completely filled with newness, so it doesn't hurt to lose them.
I'm free... free because I choose to be and God said I could.
Free because whatever has my name on it in this life is already mine and will be mine for good.
When I'm placed before Kings, it'll be because my gifts have made room for me.
Tonight I look forward to sleeping better because consumed I won't be.

"Except the Lord build the house, the laborers work in vain" because only a house that the Lord builds will stand.

Cosmopolitan...shaken not stirred

2007-10-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

In response to Jill Scott's "Crown Royal on Ice" in which she expresses the compelling nature of physical reminiscence, I am ordering the classic drink of feminine independence-- a cosmo. I'm growing weary from the longing, analyzing, and inconsistency of ambiguous love. Love that causes swift action and slow thought. Love that seems like a good idea until you remember when that love wasn't exactly honest with you. Love that makes you forget a multitude of wrongs. Love that exists in the right now and isn't a guarantee for tomorrow so you should probably find someone else love. Love thats looking like one-sided love and not even love for real. This kind of love isn't my style and it doesn't look good on me... So, I'm putting on a new outfit. I'll be the beautiful, sexy chick in the room with her head held high. The well-dressed, confident one...The one with smooth skin like fresh milk chocolate, the prettiest gap-toothed dimpled smile you ever did see, the mind that'll keep you in a maze, and curves for days. Not wounded...just learned. The one with the Cosmo, shaken but not stirred, and ready to love again.

crowded mental space part II

2007-09-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

Inhale...
LSAT, familial concerns that I cannot affect, the knowledge of verbal abuse, observance of pride, ungrateful attitudes, burden of young black girls, professional responsibility, sleep deprivation, law school admission, possibilities, american express, pedicures, hair styles, weight-gain, need to exercise, Big Love, friends afar, potential trips, vacation necessary, work that has begun, challenging children, teeth whitening, cell phone bill, drink more water, school assemblies, reluctant commitments, love lost, irreplaceable-yet replacing, too busy to cry, friendship still needed, new friends met, flirtatious acquaintances, great conversation, not looking but open, dating season, no time, recommendation letters, God, instability of double-mindedness, being a better worshipper, if we aren't supposed to worship images...why are there photos of "jesus"(it isn't really him), sexual sin, need a covering/protector, study Jesus after LSAT, doctor's appointment, dental appointment, stay in cali or move?, DST, be a good soror, massage necessary, furnish apt, citron green needed, patron desired, champagne required, fold clothes, email him/her, follow-up w/them, check facebook again, aol, gmail, online banking, auto service needed, transcripts, degree deferred, credential cleared, football season, chaperone game, need to cook, testing confidence, optimism, activism-Jena 6, iron black pants for 9/20, issue trip slips, electric bill due, ... and I thought about all this before noon.

Exhale deadline: soon.

Woman-isms

2007-08-26T01:51:00.000-07:00

Women have conversations. Conversations that evolve into mini-therapeutic sessions on the following topics: men, relationships, love, spirituality, careers, fashion, beauty, politics, and generally making our way through this thing called life. As I participate in these chaise-less tell-alls, I realized that our conversations are beautiful and keep getting better as we age. In fact, I think this "woman-ism" idea may turn into a series. Two thoughts for the day:

1. Women seek wise council from other women: Everything we need rests in the wisdom of our sisters; sisters by natural selection or divine appointment. Someone has always gone through what you are going through with your man and has learned that whatever IT is it really isn't as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. Another is so spiritually strong that it inspires you to keep your faith in check. There is always one to reaffirm you when you're not feeling your best and you don't feel like you can trust what your eyes see. As we age the advice and counsel is well-reasoned and the insights are seasoned with lessons learned not bitterness.

2. If a man makes a woman comfortable enough to "let her hair down", she'll probably do anything he asks her to: For the right man, I woman will do anything. This could be explored in greater detail by Iceberg Slim, however, in his absence I will try my best. Women can't be persuaded. Either she wants to do it (whatever "it" is) or she doesn't. I once heard a fellow say, "Either its 'no' or a variation of yes". Think about it. Most of the time we want to do a lot, but because of our upbringing, we know that "no" is the answer of respect. But let a chick meet the right man. The key is comfortability. If you make a woman feel like she's on top of the world and not just any world, but YOUR world, she will do a lot more than you think. She'll go that extra mile if you ask the right way. (wait, am I violating a woman law right now?)

DOC

ps ... yeah, I still love him. I want to send him a message in a bottle.

take off your cool

2007-08-24T01:23:00.000-07:00

inspired by the love affair of percible and sallie b. shelley, I realize that there is nothing greater than a phone call from the one person you've been thinking about all day. Perhaps the only thing better is stepping out of your comfort zone in the desperation of your spirit and being reassured by a stranger who was obedient enough to speak God's words to you. I took off my cool today and have been undressing it for the past two weeks. In the midst of exam anxiety, I decided to study in a law school library as a prophetic step towards the place I desire. Motivation was definitely in the atmosphere but my own exam performance was troubling me. It troubled me to the extent that I couldn't concentrate; in the middle of a reading comprehension passage discussing the abuse of monopoly power and antitrust laws, all I could think about was going to walmart to buy ketchup for the turkey burgers in my fridge. At this point it was clear that I spazzed out. I found the only other black girl on the campus and asked for ....(don't panic)...HELP!!! It was almost as if God spoke to me through her. The bottom line is: I need to study as hard as I can and take the score i get. This doesn't mean my expectations are low ... it means that where I'm supposed to go to law school is where i'll be. No score will keep that from me. So in the words of Fabolous "BREATHE...."

Crowded Mental Space

2007-08-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

I think my lsat prep teacher is ignorant to the social commentary that non-white ethnic groups find offensive. I'm filling in the blank for her in efforts to avoid calling her racist. I didn't go to lsat class tonight, not because of her, but because I needed to make another quality decision. I've trapped myself in my home for the day in efforts to study in a quiet space. Everything in the distraction of nothing has distracted me, for example, my bed, cooking lunch, and the internet. Optimism describes my sentiments about the LSAT, but my optimism is challenged by time restrictions and increasing the number of problems I answer correctly. My mind is troubled by a few things:

1. Where the hell is my mail? I moved in almost three weeks ago and have received about three letters. I'll assume I only have three bills.

2. Can I register for the LSAT before seats run out in LA?
3. I need to set up my apartment ASAP (complete with a desk, bookcase, television, etc). For some reason my current half boxed/half unpacked set-up is handicapping my mental clarity.
4. my master's degree was cancelled. I discovered this a few days ago when I requested a transcript. One forgetful teacher ruins the bunch... all it takes is for her to change an incomplete from a YEAR AGO into a grade...simple.
5. Who will I ask for recommendation letters? I don't think Spelman College fostered the kind of environment where those out of the Atlanta metro area can refer back to a treasured professor who'd remember enough outstanding qualities about them to write a heartfelt letter of "I want you to succeed". Hmmm...
6. My car needs work (or replacement). I don't smoke/exhaust is supposed to come from the vents when the AC is on.
7. I'm keeping a daily food journal.
8. I need that new Kanye and the Keyshia Cole song on my iPod pronto..."nah, nah, nah, nah...wait 'til I get my $$$ right"
9. My LSAT goal is 170. I keep getting logical reasoning problems wrong and that bothers me.
10. When I get my raise...I need to increase my credit score.
11. I need to plan my 25th Birthday party.
12. I need to write a personal statement.

How do you stay focused on the task at hand when your mind is foggy?

One is the Magic Number...well, maybe 29 is

2007-08-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

As my students pretend to search the internet for monologues to recite for a class presentation, my boredom has lured me to the blog. So, as I bite my homie's blog style, I'll begin with the following:

Song Lyric of the Day: "Pelican brief these N***as on who I be/before the fame and the money, n***as knew Rasheed/... Sometimes we find peace in beats and breaks/Bump the cadillac music for the People's sake/the people"

Quote of the day: "It burns going in and it stings coming out...you don't want it girl, you don't want it!" - A friend on how to respond to other women who ask about the quality of your man's sex. lmao

Remember when...the bulls won the championship three years in a row then took a break for a year and came back to win three years in a row? Remember how crazy Chicago was then?

My life these days is filled with LSATing and setting up the new apt. I am feeling better about this whole LSAT studying thing and my test-taking confidence has increased. At this phase in the game, I see two potential concerns: timing and remembering all the strategies for everything. Reading through the jargon has become easier. My new apartment is nice and I'm very excited about decorating it; however, I wish I could be done with all the "set-up" stuff now. Its nothing like coming home from work knowing you are still living out of boxes. Good home decor takes time and I need the patience to make it happen. Should I play B. Smith or should I just focus on the LSAT? I'll choose the latter. I guess no one will be visiting for jerk chicken and white sangria for a while. Two more of my friends are moving on the next chapters in their lives and separation is bittersweet. The thing that blows about saying "see you later" to those who have won a space in your heart (in the sense that they feel like family) is that you don't really know if life always has a "see you later". Personally, I think I'm ready to move on from a transitioned love, 25 is around the corner and I am not ready, and its time to reposition myself to become a property owner.

I'm ready now

2007-07-14T23:03:00.001-07:00

Alright... I'm ready to write again. My hiatus was necessary because I had to take some time for living and reflecting so my eyes would open once again. A few topics for consideration:

1. LCS-For much of 2007, God blessed me with the opportunity to love and be "in-love" with someone. This man is so eccentric, intelligent, compassionate, truthful, sweet, and ...wonderful. In short, nothing lasts forever... I learned so much from him. I learned how to pick my battles and be upfront about my needs in a relationship without regard to whether or not it makes the other uncomfortable. I learned how to truly like the person you're attracted to. I love what he is about. The scary part is that he saw me: my spirit, my heart, my imperfections. He made me want to have dinner ready whenever he was going to be around. Fresh squeezed lemonade and gourmet-julienned onion rings as an appetizer... dinner being me. He made me think of the possibility of babies looking like us and wonder what it would be like if we functioned as a team through this life...and while I wait for time to tell its story, I'll always love him.

2. New Beginnings- As I consider those who are leaving my immediate world, I wipe tears away with joy in my heart because I'm excited about living. I look forward to, as Russell Simmons would say, "Doing ME". For so long my life's decisions have been impacted by my family, friends, loved ones, etc. I live alone for a while and do my own thing. I guess that statement is oxymoronic because I've been living on my own for a while but I have never felt like I owned myself. I feel as if I own myself now and I'm excited at the prospect of taking control over the course of my life.

3. LLN- I've been blessed to share space with a wonderful woman on her way to accomplish great things. The value of this chick is that she has the most simplistic and reasonable perspective on life and living... just live it. Don't add more to it... but don't water it down either. I love her sincerity and patience. i'm glad we evolved to true friends.

4. Career moves- As much as I have been pseudo-preparing for law school...I'm considering a PhD program. I enjoy academia, stimulating minds, innovative thought and as much "flexibility" is offered by the JD, I just don't see it allowing me to do the aforementioned. Any thoughts?

5. Religion/Spirituality- I'm on a quest. I have to know God. More than the doctrine of church, I need to know this Jesus person and his role in the earth. I believe beyond worship it is his teaching we human people often overlook and assume because we "call upon the name of " and/or "thank" him it means we don't have to live what he admonished. Above this, it is also imperative that I become a better student of the word of God. Is God to be called "yahweh" or "yeshua"? I want to know. I do not believe God would have his people ignorant and answers are around...I just need to find them. I can't continue to be the pew warmer that can be tossed by the wind when challenged. I want a foundation of knowledge to drive my faith.

2007-07-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone has different tactics for dealing with stress and adversity. Some talk to everyone who will listen until they receive unnumerable opinions which only result in them doing what they wanted to do in the first place. Others keep things to themselves and function like drones of productivity until resolution comes or they run out of their own strength. Today I ran out of my own strength and when I reached for the strength of my spirit... my cup was empty. I pour out of my cup for everyone. when my mother needs me, I am there. when a student needs me, I am there beyond the call of duty. when my friends need me, I am an ear. One day in particular I called a friend in between my own tears and her crisis became first priority although I was in the midst of my own. Maybe thats what it means to have friends...who knows. What I do know is that in my hour of need the seats in my community theatre are empty. No one is available for my show. I'm not a selfish person by any means, however, it would be nice for someone to be there. I don't know if I'm upset that no one made themselves available to be my ear or that perhaps I've allowed people have crowded my space so much that I forgot to feed my spirit. Being busy and consuming myself with day to day affairs has stolen something far more valuable from me... my spirit. While my spirit isn't dead by any means... its panting like a holocaust survivor on rescuing day. The bad part is... I can't digest any kind of food. I need new food for a new day and time. I need people around that live off of the same supply...those that I can count on to uplift me with a word of encouragement when I need it. All spiritual leeches and misguided souls can exit stage left.

Thanks
-Theatre mgmt

2007-06-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

The beautiful thing about him is ... he has a teachable spirit. I love his free-spiritedness and unselfish ways. He stimulates my mind, massages my spirit, and tugs at my heart. I want to recreate the moment he kissed me with tears rolling down my face. The time the force between us was sooooo great that if love making followed it would've been an emotional volcano for the both of us. Because I don't need him my life is enhanced by him. This teachable soul is also teaching me how to be patient and enjoy moments. Moments like this...

Nocturnal

2007-04-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

Pt. 1
It's 1 in the morning and I can't sleep
because I keep seeing images of you in my dreams
something like a deserted fantasy
since I was pretending you were mine and
you were loving all of me
and since we're already in the land of "make-believe"
I might as well tell you how I think you're perfect
Not like perfection
but in imperfection, your flaws I compliment
its just as the places in me God left incomplete...you fill.
Is this really real?
Maybe I'm hoping on a hope that is not floating in my direction
I mean, what is your predilection?
Why deny this natural attraction?
this magnetism, our divine "tit for tat" rhythm
I don't see an in-between
I only see falling in or running away
I'll wait for your choice when we reconvene.

Pt.2
I gotta get this out of my system
because the thought of you sends my soul through conundrums
I rehearse my disposition in the mirror before I leave
like how I"m gonna respond to you and
the expression on my face when you breathe
In your absence, I get irritated, frustrated, lonely, and confused.
While waiting on your calls that never came
it was my ego that was bruised
Jonesin' on you is supposed to be beautiful, right?
Hmm... I thought so, too.

sleeping on jilly from philly

2007-03-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

"i waited for your call but you chose not to call me I wonder what happened were you inside a safe space and then two I wondered were you thinking about me and if you were why was I feeling so lonely by the phone alone to the bone but the night before you were in my home my body my dome in a circle of passion we paris italy japan africa rome...we made music we tromboned...it was magic the way it happened pure electricity...I felt so inspired and afraid at the same time i don't know whether to sing or to rhyme...call me." --jill scott

2007-03-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

no agreements. just actions. some see it as two ships passing in the night. we're really like two undercover cops with independent purposes...i'm putting on an act to protect myself as you put on a mask to keep yourself closed. you must be a better cop than i am because every and then i come close to blowing my cover. maybe its because i've played cops and robbers so long I'm tired of running away. i kinda want to be caught. one day we'll decide to stop disguising ourselves as hooker and john and admit who we really are.

doc

2007-03-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

When it hits the print its finished. When the facades are gone its done. When I get transparent beware because I've officially just lost one. If we started out with twenty points a piece...you lost all of them when that chick called my house. Your score: 0, my score: 20. Situations occur and past things sometimes surface in the present...cool. The way I handled it: a perfect 29.

I wish we could just cut the bullshit...I could tell you how much of a breath of fresh air you are for me and you can stop wavering between natural attraction and flawed logic. No, I don't know what it is...nor am I trying to make it anything. It just is...without rhyme or reason. Whatever "it" is...lets wait it out.

My score: 49
Your score:25

The heart of a child

2007-03-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

I'm jealous of children. While taking care of adult business, extracting money from my adult account to pay bills, a little girl was in the bank with her mom singing "five dollars...i got five dollars...ten dollars...I got ten dollars." It was the sweetest little sound and she made you want to get corny and sing along with her. As the cute little black girl sang her money song, a six year old latino boy cruised by on his sneaker skates. How cool is that? Sometimes you feel like walking...sometimes you just want to roll on by. These kids didn't have a care in the world and I'm busy thinking...rent $$$$, cell phone bill$$, car note$$$, car insurance$$$, etc. I want to be a kid again. I want to wake up on Saturday mornings watching Garfield and friends with a heaping bowl of apple jacks and the funny papers. Lets go back to the days of waking up on weekend mornings at 8:00am to arrive at ballet by 9:00am, jazz at 10:00am, and modern at 11:40am. Remember when you were excited about your birthday party because all your school friends were there to enjoy the clown with you? Now we're just thanking God for another year of life. lol I'm going to back to childhood and I'm bringing my cabbage patch kid named "Bobbie Daryl" with my matching Cabbage Patch themed Big Wheel. Hell, I might even bring Teddy Ruxpin!

A "Situation"

2007-02-28T17:32:00.000-08:00

Davenport coined it, "What n***a don't have a 'situation'?" How flexible should women be with men who have "situations"? Situations vary. He's been married before. He has a child/children. He has a fizzling relationship which really isn't fizzled but he just tells you that so you'll think he's still sorta a good guy even though he's down to fuck around with you if you'll let him. You know, situations. So, what is a woman to do? Hide from everyone with situations? Which situations present less of a situation for the women involved? Post.

DOC

V-Day Monologues

2007-02-14T13:55:00.000-08:00

Did women's sexual liberation lead to the demise of substantial relationships? In our McWorld with fast-everything, is there really room for women that take things slow? 2007 started great in my male auxiliary. I wouldn't call it a brothel but I'd say its a steady rotation. The problem is that most guys want to have sex. Some actually want to know your last name first and others are fine just knowing you have a vagina. Initially, I was offended because I was always taught that guys who really care will wait until you're ready. In 2007, this might not be true. What about those super-liberal chicks that "know what they want out of life" and go for it the first night? These chicks are in relationships and all of the "good things come to those who wait" girls are spending Valentine's day solo with the rabbit and self-endorsed chocolates. So, how has women's liberation hurt us "good girls"? Women's sexual liberation's impact on substantial relationships is like the upgrade from MAC Operating System 1.0 to 10X. Women's sexual liberation has helped women keep it real by telling men how we like it but now...all they want to know is how we like it. For those who have inhibitions, time will not be wasted. They will bang Susie who's comfortable with her inner freak while you're making up your damn mind. Chivalry is unnecessary because Susie makes no demands for her affection/interest. Susie is free. Are there any guys left that work for it? hmm.

DOC

old men

2007-01-15T22:39:00.000-08:00

Old men and young women really don't have much to discuss. Besides the pass/fail question of age to determine whether or not the young women are at least legally able to play the game, there isn't much conversation...only adoration. Old men know that the puntz ain't free. Old men expect to pay to play. Old men teach tricks.

Dear Old Men,

Teach these young brothers some things.

Yours Truly,

DOC

Renewing of the Mind

2006-12-29T22:39:00.000-08:00

New years and new beginnings. Nothing new but new thoughts about how to renew your mind, body, and soul. You create strategies to help you become the perfect human being. You know, the one your parents raised you to be. I have observed many things about people, human relationships, faith, life, and myself in 2006. I've learned to appreciate the lovable qualities each person has to offer. I've realized that with age comes a certain level of comfort with personal truth. When you are comfortable with the truth you carry, you are no longer affected by the judgments of others. I was reminded in 2006 that God is the same today, yesterday, and forever. He doesn't change and I have. Now I need to honestly examine and humble myself and my will to his because I am ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without Him. As grown as I think I am and appear to be to others, I am very much a vulnerable little girl inside. More degrees, more money, more bills, more years...same internal innocence. For 2007, I want to be myself free of my own judgment and fears. I was raised to be reserved and cautious...so cautious that I don't take the understood risks of life. Risks as simple as telling a guy I think he's fly and I'm interested. Risks like trying to live a life acceptable to God and not worrying about what people I'll lose in the process. I learned in 2006 that I have the liberty to be unavailable ...to turn OFF my cell phone. I learned that I can do whatever I focus on...if i focus. I think I'd like to spend new years eve and day without mass media. No phone, no TV, no internet (gasp)...I just want to hear myself think and God speak. Whatever renewed thoughts come out of it...I'll be down.

Holding Back

2006-11-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

Throughout my short life, I have been blessed to participate in a variety of opportunities/activities that others covet. I am often surprised when I learn that I have been accepted into academic programs and considered for awards/honors. When these opportunities present themselves, I feel as if I do not deserve the distinction because I seem to follow the same trend: I gain acceptance and find the program to be less than my expectations. I lose interest in the program and all of the talents and innovations I bring to the table lay dormant until the next "big" thing comes along. Essentially, I hold back. In my professional reviews, my superiors have felt the same way. The words they choose to express these sentiments matter not, but the sentiment is indeed the same. God has given me many abilities and for these things, I am grateful. I am, however, puzzled by the barrier that keeps me from fulfilling my expectations of myself. What is the antecedent to my complacency? What is holding me back?
I think it’s the responsibility and accountability that comes with greatness. I don’t think I want to be the “prototype” or model citizen at all times. I want the freedom to “fuck up” because erring is human. I have seen what happens when people idolize humans. The idolized beings do something human and all the false hope others placed on them fades. Suddenly, they were never talented to begin with. They become “like everyone else”. I run from greatness. This is problematic because greatness is in my future. When is the time to stop running? When is it time to thrust 150% into the project of right now because it will make me a better me tomorrow? I can’t keep holding back. I don’t want to be 70 years old with a pile of shoulda-coulda-woulda regrets.

Shot Down-Who will he become?

2006-11-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

Mackenzie*, a fourteen year old at TJHS, is a rather awkward child. He's the kid you want to beat the shit out of and then hug and tell him "I beat you because I love you". I don't understand why his mom spent $135 on a new pair of air jordans but fails to send $10 to school for his lost library book...a true mistery of blackness. Anyhow, Mackenzie has tried to "holla" at two of my female students. Both ladies are rather intelligent, in fact, some may consider them to characterize the early signs of "independent black woman" syndrome. Sassy with lots of attitude, these girls are smart and they know it. Mackenzie approaches Mya* in the library one day as the students are looking for books at their individual reading levels. Most students are in the level 1/2 section, but Mya is the only student in the level 4/5 section. Mackenzie spots her. He pauses for a second to think of an approach...he's got it. He walks towards her combing the books at his arm's reach with one finger and his eye on the target.

Mackenzie: "Hey, Mya...is there any chance you'd like to go out with me sometime?"
Mya: (no response, ...she doesn't look up yet and appears to continue looking for a book. She pulls out a book, looks Mackenzie up and down, and says...) "Read this."

The title of the book read, "NO WAY!"

And yes, this is a true story from south central.

Dessert

2006-10-30T13:24:00.000-08:00

I wish it were as easy as a heart shaped cookie...you know, throw a little icing on top and its all perfect. What its really like is mud pie. Awful taste, messy, and thrown together; a dessert children create to think they are cooking. No one really eats it...you just pretend like you will. Well, I think I have ended up with a heaping slice of this bullshit on my plate and I'm not sure how it got here. Now it yearns for me in the hours of morning still classified as night. I felt it pulling at my pants in this morning's night and I rolled over to ignore the request. Requests are denied because my appetite is in turmoil. Eat it? Fast from it? I need to choose. Mud pie can be deceiving because it looks like chocolatey goodness but after you taste...you loose interest because it taste like a counterfeit. It tastes like lies. I think about others I know who have sacrificed taste and opted to settle for any dessert available. No, all desserts do not fit a particular prototype, however, when is it okay to try something new? My favorite desserts have great crusts. There's something about a solid foundation. But,what if I come across a Jello cup? I'd probably pass it by. Jello isn't strong enough and a lot of us get caught up with Jello. Jello is too quick. If you leave Jello out too long, put through trials and tribulations, it'll dissolve. I can't have that. I really want to dump this LA mudpie i've been eating. It'd be nice to have a slice of my DC pie or my Chi-town cobbler. Yeah...that would be much better.

Deelishis, Breakdowns, homecoming wishes, and the sorors

2006-10-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

The time I am taking to write the current blog is time I could use to do a host of other things. Considering I almost had a Mariah Carey breakdown today, I think this is my only connection to peace of mind. I'm sooooo glad Deelishis won...hated to see NY hurt and played on national television twice...but more glad that Deelishis won.

Quotes of the show: "Do you know who my daughter's father is? He has money, on top of money, on top of money." --Deelishis

"I don't give of F*** if you're from NY. I'm from Detroit, Bitch!!"

Moving on...

I think I have bitten more than I am able to chew right now. I work full-time, I am enrolled as a full-time grad student, enrolled in LSAT (8-week intensive) prep, and I travel to other cities to interview for Jobs in my spare time. (When is time ever spared?) I don't know why I have this inner drive to do the most...I think I may spend next year doing nothing but work and life. Well, okay...work, life, LSAT, law applications, and maybe a boo. See, there I go again. I need to chill out. If anyone wins a vacation, holla at me pronto.

HOMECOMING 2006 is about to be THE jumpoff for the following reasons:

I miss my girls and we're about to do the DAMN fool in ATL. Homecoming is my excuse to give myself an annual birthday trip to Atlanta and splurge for a weekend. I might actually get a chance to go to Alpha elixir this year (and no, I have never gone). I haven't been to the Pretty/Nasty party either. I have to hit up:

1. Dejavu Party at Earthlink
2. Black Love Party @ 201 Courtland
3. Field of Dreams (755 Turner Field)...I don't mean to jock, but if GP's throwing it...it's gonna crack. (Isn't GP like the P Diddy of the AUC?)
4. Breakfast at Thumbs up Cafe w/ the girls
5. Spa Sydell Friday Afternoon
6. Harlem Bar w/ 505 and extended family for our annual afterhomecoming/weekend in review/catching up before we board our planes drinks
7. Leondra and Kay C (my ATL hair stylists)
8. Tailgate
9. Stepshow

And since we're speaking of stepshows, therefore THE tightest steppers/dynamic women/crimson and cream...

Aren't Deltas the Shit? Not to toot the horn of sisterhood, but my linesisters and sorors have been holding it down lately (well, really since inception). "A Delta is..." those who know can sing the rest. An earthshattering OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOP to my sorors!!!

Now...back to teaching the 38th Street Crips how to reeeedd gud (lmao)

flavor of love pt. 2

2006-10-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

NY's mother is a tragic black woman and her father is a doormat. From a certain angle, Flav look semi-decent. Maybe i've been watching too long? who knows.

Viewing Guide (Flavor of Love)

2006-10-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

this is a live blog. i am watching flavor of love as I type. maybe its just me, but NY has to be the most unattractive canvas hiding under tons of makeup that I have ever seen. Her mother looks like a man. At this point, I'm voting for Deelishis because she seems really down to earth. Yes, Deelishis' parents are ghetto, but they seem like good christian folks. And why does Flav's unattractive self have 1,000 children. He is rolling deep like the tribe of Judah. Crazy is just stupid. She's a watered down chick. Why is NY's mother a hypochondriac? I'm putting my money on Deelishis. But, what are those keloids?

random rants (yom kippur edition)

2006-10-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

Flavor of LOVE:
Television is the devil. All I can seem to do on my first day off is anticipate the rerun of last night's episode of Flavor of Love. Now, I'm no friend of "Flav" but the show is interesting. I am amazed by how women can subject themselves to a gremlin grabbing their asses and calling them "deelishus" (or however he spells it). "Crazy" is wack and New York is a H.A.M. I wonder why New York thinks she has one up on everybody. Its going to be really funny when he plays the shit out of her at the season's end. Tsk Tsk...one should never over estimate their importance.

Solange:
I was wondering how long Solange was going to front like she was married. From another blog, I read about her new boo "Weezy F. Baby". Weezy's hot and if anyone could lock it down, surely a Knowles could.

Womp Womp:
Am I old-fashioned because I don't want to discuss sex in my first conversation with a guy? After a long conversation with a prospect, I realized I had to redirect the convo from sexual innuendos more than seven times. Problem one: he called at 12am. Problem two: Within twenty-minutes of conversation he has already asked me what I was wearing. Long story short...we won't be speaking ever again. Negroes are tragic.

Yom Kippur:
What is it? I mean, I know its a Jewish Holiday...but why? What's the big deal? For clarification, I am appreciative of the day off and in efforts to celebrate effectively, I would like to know what people do on Yom Kippur.

Challenges

2006-09-25T08:23:00.000-07:00

I run...
I'm a runner.
I have to keep running after the goal until
there is nothing left but me and the path.
Sometimes I run so fast, so hard, for so long...
that I don't recognize when I'm running alone.
I'm trying to catch you because
the idea that you aren't running after me to attain me...shatters me.
If I slow down
and
turn around
and
I don't see you there
I might die.

I run...
I'm a runner.
When I do meet runners
who run with endurance
running after me
I want to stop running because
equality and reciprocity
scare me.

Isn't it always more fun to hunt than to be hunted? When the hunter finds you, are you ever ready to submit?

God

2006-09-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

Most plane crashes render no survivors, however, in the more recent crash of an Atlanta bound plane from Lexington, Kentucky, the sole survivor regained his speech and asked, "Why did God do this to me?" I found this interesting because most critics of the Christian faith wonder the same when calamity strikes. Even Christians wonder "why God....?" when bad things happen to good people. What people fail to realize is that individuals have free-will. A choice to conduct themselves however they please. In this crash situation, there was only one aircraft controller working that day which was against FAA policy. When the plane hit the wrong runway...his head was turned. He couldn't correct an error he hadn't noticed. Things happen that are the direct result of human error. More than that, why didn't the sole survivor view it as God sparing his life. What are the odds? 1 out of 50 survived. Which the exception of a few weeks in the hospital, shock, and some broken bones...you're still alive. Thank God.

With Hurricane Katrina, it was a natural disaster. However, human bureaucracy kept city levees from being top priority. Why weren't they a priority? Because the people were not a priority. People control and create government systems. It does stand true that families were separated and the death toll was enormous, but should God be the blame? What about those who chose to stay despite warning? What about those who weren't able to leave (financially and physically)? Shouldn't the people's government be to blame for not having a plan for when disaster strikes? Is there a different quality of life for N.O. residents? yes. Are people still in need? yes. Do we all have a responsibility to help? yes. Should God be blamed? I don't think so.

Recently, I was on a flight to LA from Atlanta. After we boarded and got to the runway, our pilot said he was going back to the gate because one of three indicators did not light correctly. He chose to have mechanics check it out. Luckily, his caution helped because the broken indicator signaled an error with one of the wings and could have been tragic. We switched planes and went about our way. I could've died. It would've just been an oversight. Nonetheless...I'm grateful.

Maybe, if people physically saw God's hands casting the storm into the pit of the Gulf of Mexico we would think differently. Perhaps, if people saw God lift the plane up and place it safely on the grassy knoll near the runway more people would believe in Him.

B'day

2006-09-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't been this excited about a CD since Lauryn Hill's Miseducation. B'day has made my last two days. Although I don't find every song to be a hit, I'm feeling the following songs because of the following lines:

Upgrade U "I can do for you what Martin did for the people...your hand can't fit in your new purse"

Suga Mama "damn...that was so good I'm thinking about buying him a short set"

Kitty Kat "Let's go lil kitty kat...he don't want no mo" (I know ...not a big deal alone but in the song...man, so for real)

Get Me Bodied "no particular line...but the beat...I'm Josephine johnnying right now)

Resentment (every woman has been here before...some are still recovering) "I know she was attractive but I was here first..."

Irreplaceable "i can have another you in a minute...matter fact, he'll be here in a minute"

Ring the Alarm "and I know you give it to her like you gave it to me, c'mon....you ain't never seen a fire like the one I'ma cause"

Not in this order but the CD is the jump-off. B's so bad...that she didn't have to make every song a ballad. She has established herself as a singer already and decided to be grown.

Cop that!!!

MOJO

2006-08-27T23:18:00.000-07:00

Looks aren't everything. When it comes to men its important to keep this in mind because trends reinforce that guys don't have to be HOT to get women. Take Bigga for example (B and Jay)...Sean Carter is no looker. In fact, many moons ago (minus the dough) his teeth were horrific. Other examples include Faith Evans and Frank White (Christopher "Notorious B.I.G." Wallace), Heidi Klum and Seal, Kimora and Russell...the list goes on. What these men have in common is something they refer to in the south as "swagger". "Swagger" is that little something that takes ugly guys and transforms them into desirable magnets to be craved by women. It's the way he walks into a room and commands the attention of the room. It's the way he speaks, his confidence, his touch. I'll simplify it: Have you ever been in a club and passed by a guy who was trying to reach his crew just as you were approaching yours and as you crossed each other he placed his hand at the small of your back to say "Excuse me, sweetheart"? It's swagger that led his hand to the small of your back instead of your shoulder or your neck or some other unsexy spot on your body. Swagger is the absence of being thirsty...non-thirsty guys get their thirsts quenched.
I went out with a guy once whom I didn't find initially attractive and I scrambled my brain to figure out why. Everything I liked was present...he was tall, thick, brown, educated, employed, and Christian. What more could you ask? Something was missing. He had good conversation. I had to call 505 to help me figure out why I couldn't get with the program. Truth is: He didn't have that extra dose of "man-juice", "mojo", "swagger". he didn't touch me in strategic places. he didn't make me want to let him lead. he lacked that ounce of testosterone that would make me want to cater to him. Reviewing my dating history...every guy I've liked has had that special something about them that made them desirable. No, looks aren't everything but attitude is. For all you guys out there...think about how you do your "grown man".

Walking

2006-07-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

We were both on the path...just at different paces. I saw you, decided to catch up to you, and we proceeded to walk together. At that time, something inside told me I needed someone to walk with. We were great walking partners but somewhere along the way you were afraid of my pace and before I knew it, I was walking alone. Back to square one. However, the scene is thrice repeated. I'm starting to feel like i need a walking buddy again, but I'm not so eager to catch just any passerby. Maybe someone will catch my pace this time. i'm patient.

Double D, D-Squared,...

2006-07-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

ladies...quick question:

bad sex and a Kimora Lee Simmons ring? VS phenomenal sex and a modest band w/ I love you engraved on the inside?

post your responses

Grown Woman Shit

2006-07-03T03:06:00.000-07:00

Why can't I let the man love me?
I am making this shit harder than Chinese calligraphy and I don't understand why its so hard to be the same transparent me with a man so deserving. He's the perfect guy but I think that scares me. Am I afraid of being loved or afraid of loving? I'm scared as hell. All I can think about my best friend's position at the end of her long term relationship...I'd never seen a woman so torn apart by heartbreak. In fact, she didn't even know where this thing called "love" and "heartache" found her. She was ill internally. I think about my mother and father...how they were both train wrecks waiting to collide. I wonder if that'll be me? What I do know is that he wants to love me but will move on without me if I don't figure this shit out soon. What frightens me is that I know he's a keeper. I am even more frightened about existing with him...journeying through life with him...making babies with him...raising a family with him. I don't know if I could have a normal family...how can you produce what you haven't seen. If I figure out what is really keeping me from loving him freely we would be dynamic. I know he'll take care of me...if I ever admit I need to be taken care of.

More importantly, I know if I keep fucking around...no one will pick up the phone when I muster up the courage to let him know I'm ready to take the chance.

Inappropriate

2006-06-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

A lesson on tone...

me: "...i am going to make a few statements to you and I want to you tell me the 'tone' of my speech."

me (angry voice): "_______________ I am VERY disappointed with your performance. What was the tone of that comment?"

student: "mad...and angry."

me (calm and happy voice): "let's try this one. '_______________ I am so proud of you!!' What was my tone in that statement?"

Student: "Sexy."

...that went wrong somewhere along the way.

How do you proceed? lmao

DOC

gel and weave...gel and weave

2006-06-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

My inner ghetto has re-discovered a housing project classic- "Doo-Doo gel"!!!! I had to find a way to exercise without worrying about my press. The ponytail just wasn't right using Jam and the nice wooden hair brush. Something stronger was necessary and I found it on the aisle in the Korean beauty supply store next to the hard plastic brushes. My soul felt right again...there was hope for me:) As I stood in the mirror as my rough edges turned smooth (gel, water, plastic brush, and old toothbrush combination for the "baby hair"), I gloried for like five minutes. After promptly wrapping my hair in a tight scarf for emphasis, I reminisced of my Chicago days when you weren't cool unless you had a "fan" ponytail. Then Chicago hood hair evolved into the weave ponytail and finger waves (all of these do's wouldn't have been possible w/o "Doo-Doo Gel). So thank you Doo-Doo gel for holding it down all these years and keeping the hood alive. Some little girl named Shaquanetta in Cabrini Green thanks you as well:)

DOC

(insert title here)

2006-05-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

Writer's block...

disclaimer: I finally figured out the reason why I have avoided my own blog. My writings weren't a true reflection of what I have been feeling and thinking for the last couple of months. I began this blog to free myself and I haven't allowed myself to be free because I have become aware of my audience...with that awareness comes censorship. I'm breaking the chains today.

My life for the past few days has sucked ass. In fact, its been like a bad ass movie. How would it feel if you got your ass beat by someone you trusted and never got an apology? To add salt the wound...they never admit they beat your ass. Its complete fiction...the shit never happened (so they say). Oddly enough, you remember healing from the pain and becoming comfortable with the possibility that your questions will never be answered. After you've been sucked back into old negative emotions and a pool of lies from the Father of Lies' competitor (aka the "devil"), you realize that all life interventions have to cease.
No more aiding in closure...call it what you will. Fuck closure...it doesn't exist. I'm so naive sometimes...so genuine sometimes its sickening. What was the objective? Why did she need to know? What would it have proved or improved? It turned into a stupid ass shouting spell that profited nothing. Where it left the pain inflictor? I'm not sure. Where it left the inquirer? even more confused than at the onset. Quietly, I hurt for her. Only her spirit can discern truth at this point. Where did it leave me? It left me open with my character in question...it left me looking like a psychopathic liar bitch purposed at ruining others. I'm not that chick. My life right now is going really good...too good to try to live in the past and ruin someone else. The truth be told...I loved him too much to want to cause harm. It was love for him that kept me quiet and concealing my pain. It was love for him that blinded me too. It was love for him that ACTED like nothing ever happened in order to save face in front of mutual friends. I'm done...no one ever went that far to protect me or my integrity.

Right Now: I'm over it. I'm all about improving my physical, mental, and spiritual. I'm too pretty to be unhealthy in any way. I'm all about sitting on the beach and thinking my way through waves, daydreaming about how to be better tomorrow than I was today, seeing in the horizon the me I've always wanted to be, missing my family and shedding a tear sometimes, and thinking of ways to get closer to them without losing my dream.

Is the blog dying?...updates

2006-05-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

Is blog world gone? It seems like so much has been happening in life that blog matters aren't so important. The blog for me was a place to express my thoughts and creatively release all the bull*ish from my mind. I have been looking around the web and seeing the blogs of others being neglected...a lot like my own. Most of the things I've been thinking about lately weren't appropriate for public display. There are, however, a few things that I've observed and experienced that are blog worthy:

1. White kids trying to gang bang: At the House of Blues-Anaheim (the OC for the uninformed), a friend and I were taking in a little T.I. when we noticed we were surrounded by white kids with bandanas and fitted caps cocked to the side. Since we both teach in South Central, we cracked up laughing at the fact that we have students (7th-12th grade) who are REAL gangbangers (22nd street Crips). We laughed harder picturing our students "bangin'" on these fake thugs:
Student: "What's up fool? What set you from?"

2. TI:The motivated ATLien is short as hell. His big voice, southern drawl, and cute face make him seem so much bigger than he really is. This concert was my first rap concert and first time at the House of Blues anywhere. It seems like I would make plans to go but other things were always more important. This summer...concerts are on the rotation.

3. Young Jock: LAME. He preceded TI and his entire was lame. It was like watching Young Jeezy perform when he was ten. The only thing that made his portion of the show pop was the DJ playing everyone elses hits. Oh, yeah...there was that shoulder bop that I am feeling right now.

4. Snowbunnies: Everyone black guy in the OC has a white girl. But I realized that non-black girls are far more affectionate than black women. Maybe I realized this because I am not a PDA person and you really don't see black girls kissing and hugging their guys in public...are we losing out? hmmm (E-40: "Whhhhhhhiiiiiiitttteee girl...white girl, white girl...wwwwhhhhhhiiiiiiittttteeeee girl!)

5. Laguna Beach: Why didn't I ever watch this show? I am falling in love with the re-runs and I will definitely be in front of the screen to stalk "The Hills" when it airs on Wednesday.

6. Leigh's coming to visit...YAY!!!!

7.cherise is still the homie...

8. ummmm...I'm a Delta:)

9. My mother and I went on our first mother/daughter vacation and i look forward to many more.

10. First generation bourgie is now underway:) (that's for the homie from the A-U-Geezy)

20+ years has found me...

2006-04-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

Feeling like the world is at my fingertips but not exactly sure which finger. Seeing myself as flexible and formless...able to navigate most professional environments, but not really sure which one is the one I should focus on. Becoming more and more comfortable everyday about the prospect of being solo for a long while yet realizing that success has its personal and relational drawbacks and I often wonder its worth. 20 years has found me wondering what it profits me to gain the world but lose my soul.

*(sidebar: this wasn't a depressing day or anything, but one of those days when you realize the things you stress and trip out about aren't the things that matter most.)

Conversation Starters

2006-04-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

Men have an interesting method of communication. While waiting with my cousin and a family friend, both males, one of them decided silence wasn't enough and opened the conversation with:

"You know, I don't think the Clippers are gonna make it this year."

(I'm thinking...are you kidding me? No one asked what you thought about the clippers.)

Then the other replied with, "Well with ___________(you name the athlete) on the team...they didn't have a chance in hell."
A white and a mexican guy began a conversation in the school cafeteria with,

"What comes after 75?" -White guy
"76"-Mexican guy
"Now, that's the spirit."-white guy

From this point forward they covered sports teams, careers, family members, and cars. I was the only person who thought this entire exchange came from left field. I guess its the same with women. All it takes for women to begin a conversation is to see another woman with an admirable pair of shoes or hair so fly that you will just die if you don't try her stylist. From there we dive into neighborhoods, who knows who, did you date him?, I can't believe Mariah wore that to I think Mary J had a personal breakthrough to match that album.

In LA, people are not as social. In the club the other night, I was being a wallflower and waiting for my "jam" to hit the speakers. What song? My two favorites right now are: "lean wit it" and "miss new booty". That's neither here nor there. So, I'm standing against the wall not realizing that my arms are crossed on my chest and to onlookers I am "mean mugging". A gentleman that some other woman would've found attractive stood in front of me and emulated my gesture. I politely winked and smirked at him in an effort to say, "You are amusing and I'm not as mean as I look but you're not my type." My male friends present immediately attacked me and said I was "mean as hell". AAAAAHHHHHHHH....That's debatable. I am not mean. If I would've done more, the guy would've gotten the wrong impression. How do you let someone know you're not interested without being mean? How do you let someone you actually like know you think they're hot? How does the conversation start?

Back to Business

2006-04-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

I am excited to revisit blog world today because I have held my thoughts for far too long. You ever have those times when you observe a scenario or have a thought you deem "bloggable"? I have had so many moments like this in the last two months, however, I was unable to remember them all. Please enjoy the ones that have seemed to store:

Moment #1: Airport Etiquette

Southwest Airlines is great because they make it possible for everyone to feel as if they are flying first class. They don't designate seats, although they do allow you board the plane in the order in which you checked in and received a printed boarding pass. The categories are broken into class A, B, and C. On a returning flight from Dallas, TX to Los Angeles, CA, I prided myself on having reserved my spot the night before my flight guaranteeing that I would have A-Class status upon my arrival. To my dismay, there were like 1,000 other people with A-Class standing!! I was pissed. So I positioned myself to stand in line before everyone else lined up. I'll be damned if this chick who was seated near the line didn't stand in front of me as if her seat was a part of the line!!! If I didn't have issues with being mean to people before taking a flight, I would've cussed her out. Moreover, if my name was something like LaKeta or Shanequa I would've beat her up!!

Since everyone flies first class on Southwest, the seating upon boarding is always open. However, there are unspoken rules. For example, when choosing a window seat, its okay to have some one sit in the aisle seat on your row. It is also appropriate to leave your things in the middle seat as a sign to others that they need to keep walking. Do not make eye contact with any of the remaining boarding passengers and feign slumber.

Moment #2: Three Six Mafia

Was I the only person that was ashamed for Negroes when they won? It seemed like they were being made a spectacle at the Oscars. I don't if they were really embraced or made fun of...thoughts?

Moment #3: Too old for foolishness

So, I encountered a woman who stated publicly that she was so busy at a particular event that she didn't have time to change her underwear. She's about 50+. An age I deem too old to forget you need to clean yourself and replace your panties...I mean you've been doing this act (hopefully) for the past 50 years...nothings new.

Moment #4: Juve the Great

There are some songs that come on the radio that immediately make even the classiest woman want to become a honey blond weave draped stripper with a big butt. I was sharing with a friend there are a number of rappers upon hearing their voices, I'm not sure that I would remember my morals or religious values. In fact, I might do whatever the hell these dudes tell me to do (not cuz they're HOT but because of their VOICES):

Juvenile
Ludacris
Paul Wall (his white ass would get it!!)
Bun-B
TI
Slim Thug

*notice they are all from the south!

DOC

The Finish Line

2006-02-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

Today I walked 3.5 miles in the Susan Komen Breast Cancer Walk/Run. Walking/Running for a good cause isn't such a big deal, however, while walking I realized something about myself-I don't finish what I start. Sure, undergrad counts but school was an expectation. I remember a youth camp activity from childhood where we told to climb a short steep hill. On my way up the hill, I paused at points just as everyone else did. I got to a place where I could see the hilltop but I gave up about 7/8 of the way. After it was all over, my youth pastor told us that the climbing exercise was a way for us to see how we think about our obstacles and goals. I remembered this situation today because somewhere around Mile 3 we walked by the car and I thought of the car as a "way out". I could also see the finish line and I was so distracted by the car that I almost forgot the significance of reaching the finish line. I realized that I start a lot of things and have great expectations but I finish few in the manner I set out to initially. The environment was very encouraging and supportive. Usually, the support and encourage lose their value after I hear it over and over again. Needless to say, I completed the walk and felt much better for pushing myself further. Its not how long it takes you run the race its that you finish strong.

Soul Food: Beat your Kids

2006-02-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

I spoke with a childhood friend last night who informed me that her relationship with our other elementary school friend was becoming more and more strained. We rolled as a group of three: Mia*, Quita, and Me. After HS separated us, we kept up with each other through mutual friends and the blessing of facebook reunited Quita and I. Quita and I reminisced last night about the times when were on maximum security lock down by our moms and Mia was free. We laughed about being on punishment and not being able to receive "boy" phone calls until what seemed like an eternity, while Mia was able to do as she pleased. Mia had a boyfriend long before we were able to. Mia could go out with her boyfriend when Jackie and B (our moms) punished us for talking back. While Jackie and B kept Quita and I involved in school activities and busted their asses to make sure we "did better than they did" in life, Mia's mom let her get a job to support her interest in looking good and dressing fly.

Somewhere around junior year when Quita and I were making the grade...Mia got pregnant by that same boyfriend. While having a child is a celebratory occasion, it was waaaaay tooooo soon. Then Mia started hanging out with the other girls who had babies really early because they had more common ground with her than she had with us. We finished college. She is still working at the same place she worked at in High School. Although, we try to reach out to her (she is still our friend), she doesn't have any interest in kicking it with us.

The POINT: Life takes us all on very different journeys. No judgment is being rendered, just the recognition of differences. As my mother celebrates her 50th birthday today, I want to say thanks to her for promptly beating my ass when I thought I was being too grown too fast. Thanks for mean mugging all those niggas who were looking at my overdeveloped body before my mind caught up. Thanks for keeping me on maximum security lockdown that I may learn responsibility and discipline. Mom--You're the greatest:)

DOC

Press or Relax pt. 2

2006-02-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't seen my own hair since the end of October. I have had a sew-in weave, braided extensions, and this past weekend I had to face the reality of -- my own hair. I had been dreading this moment for the last four months. My weave gave me the illusion that my hair was fabulously long and easy to maintain. As soon as the weave had run its course, I ran to the braid shop so that I wouldn't have to go through hair withdrawals or face the tragedy that rested on my scalp. I don't believe in "good" hair or "bad" hair, however, I do know that the hair God chose for me must have been a character building exercise. Sometimes I wish my mother would've met my father's sisters so she could've seen what my hair odds would've been if she married him. On my way to the salon, post-braids, I couldn't even put my hair in any somewhat presentable style. I simply put on a scarf and anxiously waited for the moment my stylist would be ready for me. As I sat on the couch in the waiting area near the window, I took off my scarf and my stylist walked over to see "how bad it was". A Jewish man walked by and took a double-take glance like he couldn't believe what the hell it was he saw. The woman sitting in the chair was getting a relaxer and I was tempted by familiarity. I knew that little cup of AFFIRM would solve all my problems. I got mad at myself because I couldn't remember why I wasn't relaxing my hair in the first place. I want to be free from hair woes. White women are free to have natural hair (non-chemically treated) and I want to be equally free. With black women, our hair is a link to our hearts. Walking out of the shop, with a hair cut and style that I absolutely hated, I longed for a relaxer. In fact, I really want one right now. Waiting for the glory of healthy hair and going through the rough phase is the hard part. I guess I have become subject to instant results...is it worth the wait?

Buffie the Body

2006-02-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

I read a friend's blog earlier about his random encounter with "Buffie the Body" and I didn't know who he was referring to. After google-ing her (and don't act like you don't google people), I had two reactions: (reaction 1) damn...her ASS is HUGE. (reaction 2) damn...her ASS is really HUGE!!! How is it humanly possible to have a waist so small and an ASS sooooo BIG? Whatever that chick eats for Breakfast is about to be my new shit. Can you imagine going to the club with that chick? I can bet her friends are few; the game would be over as soon as they hit the club. Hell, with an ass like that ... I wouldn't need friends Better than that..she probably has a bunch of freeloading friends that reap the benefits her ass is able to retrieve. I bet guys give her their life insurance and SSN. Reesy said she's the new Hottentot Venus (google it). All her photos are ass shots...I mean she realized her ASS-et (no pun intended) and capitalized on it.

the POINT: I am about to find out what her daily routine is because if there are chicks like her walking around...I need to start eating effing AIR and doing ass squats for the next 24 months.

DOC

ADD-ON: She must have been the chick twista was talking about in the song Badunkadunk when he said..."even though you only walking it still looks like you shouldn't do that shit in public"

Hope is...(and yes I'm borrowing)

2006-02-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

Previously disregarding the school janitor as an uneducated man with baby mama drama...then later finding out he is one semester short of earning his professional degree and works as a janitor because he is paying for his education on his own.

catching up...

2006-01-31T14:40:00.000-08:00

Since I have been absent from Blog World for a while, I figured I'd share some of my most recent rantings...

Pinot Grigio

After watching the movie Sideways and trying to figure out how it got so many Oscar nominations, I realized that my new aspiration should be to become a wine connoisseur. I thought I was the shit asking for Riesling at restaurants only to discover that it is the premature wine drinker's favorite. I had my first Pinot Grigio at a friends house this past weekend. After about two glasses and asking some male friends "how soon is too soon", I was pleased for two reasons: I realized that I didn't fall into the whore category and pinot grigio is my new favorite wine:)

Which leads me to point #2:

505 seems to think ordering a spinach and feta cheese omelette at the Original House of Pancakes in Atlanta, being an active alumna, shopping on weekends, attending a house party in LA with valet, and exercising= "acting light-skinned". Whatever...there is nothing wrong with desiring the most out of life, I've been humble for a long time.

Needy Guys

If I have only spoken to you on the phone once, why do you ask me what an ideal date with you would be like...its not the question, it was the delivery. (LAME) Men act like women, one effing phone call and its "wedding bells"...negro pleeeeeeaaassseeee!!! (in the background...NEEEXXXTTTT!!!!)

Til next time,
DOC

Closing the Books

2006-01-16T22:43:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This blog is a little more personal, so...if you're looking for something comical...this isn't the one:) I was beginning to censor my blog from what I really wanted to write about because I felt the subject matter too personal...but eff it, I am who I am. ENJOY!!

With that said, I am ready to free myself. I always wanted to be the type of person that maintained relationships with significant others. You know, the "nice" girl who was always looked upon fondly because although things didn't work out she would be one that could be revisited. After seven+ years of being this person, I've decided that I don't want to be her anymore. I've been loved yet overlooked, respected but underappreciated, and the chosen subject of infidelity. The men...honorable, trustworthy, humorous, caring...good people. No matter how many times I try to analyze the comparative opportunity cost between them all I keep coming up with the same answer: not good enough for you.

This isn't about being insatiable and meticulous about the opposite sex. Flaws are flaws and it is up to each person to decide which they are able to deal with and which they simply cannot. What cannot be compromised is sincerity of purpose. I have to close the book on the guys who sorta wanted to be on my team but for whatever reason failed to make the mark. I'm closing the book on the guys who couldn't see past the superficial; they saw me but they didn't see ME. I'm closing the book on the past loves with present hopes; I realized I was the only one hoping. Yeah, no one will admit they've been here too and its okay. Self-actualization is on-going.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life"-- Proverbs 13:12

DOC

The Blog for ME not your Personal Enjoyment

2006-01-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

While everyone raced to think of New Year's resolutions that they'd eventually fail to attain by December 2006, I was one black woman who said "hell no" to sensationalist optimism. After speaking with one of my Program Directors today and digging through layers of rationale I realized I couldn't think of any realistic resolutions because I didn't have a PLAN. I thought I my disdain for teaching and all things Teach for America were because of my bad ass kids and Teach for America's dishonest and unrealistic image of expectations and freedom of choice. I felt as if Los Angeles was the worst place on the face of the planet and the only reason why I can't get out of this mess is because I have too much invested financially to get out. My reflections led me to senior year...the first time I was balancing a full-time internship, full-time course load, and part-time job all at once. While things could've been worse, I didn't believe that I had the academic discipline and focus necessary to study for the LSAT/GRE and continue towards a dual law/public policy program. I figured TFA would give me the opportunity to take an engaged break from academia while I sorted things out and simultaneously tried to save the world. I went through the hurdles because I felt obligated since I lacked a PLAN.

THE TRUTH: I am being challenged beyond belief and I'm watching myself do better everyday than I did the day before. I joined Teach for America because I wanted to have the experience of teaching the children for which I'd eventually create Public Policy. Fear of failing to reach my own expectations is what really kept me from going directly to law/public policy school. The experience I'm gaining right now is valuable because I have to be organized and plan in order to survive successfully. I go to work because of Sonia who can't independently organize her thoughts on paper because of her learning disability but she tries harder to succeed than anyone I know. I teach today because of Manuel who appears bipolar and disruptive but really struggles internally on whether its okay to trust that I am here to help. I want to work harder for my students who don't have school supplies because they don't have the money.

I had to reconnect with the ISSUES that lead me to PURPOSE. I didn't need to make a new year's resolution to get it either. Sure...losing weight in 2006 would be great and having a meaningful relationship would be nice, but knowing where I'm going is more valuable. I just took some time out from all the noise in this life that drowns out the quiet voice of direction.

DOC

To thine ownself be true

2006-01-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

"This above all: to thine ownself be true. And this must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."-- Shakespeare-Hamlet

In my conversations with my friends during the past week, one thing is fundamentally correct-my friends are the realest group of people I've ever met in my life. Being "real" or remaining true to self is not always the most popular option, however, when we become comfortable with our "true"-selves we cannot be marred by the false expectations of others. Being true to self allows your real friends to stab you in the front (505) and you receive their constructive criticism with love. I'll share some examples:

C: We told this girl everyday that we hated her chunky shoes. This female had a pair of platformed massive monster looking shoes to go with every outfit and we told her how awful her shoes were all the time. Did she stop wearing them? Nope. In fact, she wore those awful monster shoes until she was ready to transition to stilettos and slimmer soles. I appreciate this girl today because she didn't walk around trying to be more than she was. She was herself...sometimes you liked it...sometimes you didn't but she was consistently C-AMW.

L and T: I definitely find the Shakespearean quote true for these chicks. What other strong sense of personal awareness drives them to share their personal realizations with other people even if it places them in the seat of vulnerability? (okay, so I do know one other person like this:)) I used to hate this quality about them but now I love it. If you are comfortable with your emotions and your faults no one else can ostracize you about you...Why?, because you are truly your own worst critic. No one can outdo you in knowing who YOU are.

MB: Original House of Pancakes...June 2005. My friend can't sing worth a damn-okay, well maybe he's not tone deaf but singing isn't his forte. He was so comfortable with himself that he began to sing some random song he was feeling to me aloud at the table. I was grinning ear to ear because it felt good to see someone so free. Unbound by social standard or protocol.

JC: Now this one is throwback. In elementary school, I had a best-friend who wore very greasy lipgloss. This lipgloss looked like the end of a fried chicken meal from Church's. Everyone at our elementary school talked shit about her lipgloss...but she seemed to love it. Everytime the lipgloss appeared to...lackluster, if you will...she applied more and more and more and more. I reflect on this experience with fondness now because my friend was completely okay with others speaking against her lipgloss because SHE liked it. She was happy and that is what really matters in life.

ALL THAT TO SAY: How often do you make choices for others and not for yourself? What makes you happy?

DOC

Still loving him is...

2005-12-20T23:28:00.000-08:00

He: Can you call me at 1am your time to wake me up?
She: yeah
He: When you call can you sing me a wake up song?
She: I only sing for men I love. so...
She: no, but i'll call...lol
He: ouch
She: j/k
He: okay...ttyl
She: nite

She continues with her task until the time comes to give him a wake up call. As she types, she is thinking of the perfect song and casually rehearsing the notes so it sounds just right.

All things LA....(Krump, Sinful thoughts, and Tookie)

2005-12-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

KRUMP

I had the opportunity to attend the Krump dance show at the forum in Inglewood this past weekend. For those unaware, the "krump" style of dance is exclusive to the Los Angeles metro area and, as rumor has it, began as an alternative form of competition for rival gangs. You know the story...keeping brothers from killing brothers. Instead of organized dance, it looked like the "dancers" were experiencing epileptic seizures as opposed to rhythmic patterns. All that to say, it was different and I enjoyed myself. Tyrese judged the competition and it took everything within me not to run hysterically to the stage and jump his bones (GOSH, he's HOT!!!). Which leads me to my most recent battle....

SINFUL THOUGHTS

I've been struggling with thoughts of my boss and I acting out my unclean thoughts in a random empty classroom. This negro is fine!!!!!!!!! In fact, fine doesn't even do him justice. He is, phantasmagoric (yeah, you'll need to look that one up). I haven't had a crush like this in so long. I asked Reesy to give me a flirting handbook because I recently discovered I have a flirting deficiency (if you want to read her handbook...click on "southern girl with big dreams" at your right). How do you let a man know you are interested without trying so hard to be disinterested? Does that make sense? He makes me nervous.

TOOKIE

...awww, Tookie. Can a black man get a break anywhere? Isn't the purpose of jail to rehabilitate the culprit that he/she may rejoin society at-large? I mean, he wrote a children's book for crying out loud. Sure...so he founded the most notorious gang in the world that continues to terrorize Los Angeles and other major cities in the US and abroad...but didn't the founder of the Klu Klux Klan do the same thing? Did they fry that nigga? And, Arnold the (in a heavy HANS and FRANS accent)"governator"...really,dude? They should have put his ass out after making kindergarten cop. Lookin' ass. I'm out.

Aesthetic Hierarchy

2005-11-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

Where does attractive rank on the hierarchy of aesthetics? And exactly what does it mean? Are some terms more sexual in nature than others? I thought of a few terms that men and women alike use to describe their sentiments about the physicalities of one another:

cute pretty fine attractive okay gorgeous beautiful wifey handsome manly womanly sexy

As you read each term, feel free to rank them in whichever order you deem proper. If you do rank them, explain why certain terms outweight the others.

Awaiting your commentary...

DOC

ADHD

2005-11-21T22:32:00.000-08:00

When I get off work everyday, my plan looks a little like this:

Leave work, lesson plan, make copies for tomorrow's class, eat dinner, iron my clothes for tomorrow, go to bed.

When I get off work, this is what actually happens: (in this order)

Drive home (3:40p), leave my class materials in the car, plug in the MAC, sign on to www.facebook.com, feed new obsession with photo galleries and updates, ooohhh, new messages. Did she/he respond to my message? Look at so and so in that pic...he looks much better than he did in school? Why did she put up that photo? Damn, can you un-tag my name from that pic? No he didn't say that shit on my wall...

(its now 5:45p...if i sign off now, I can lesson plan at starbucks)

just gotta check my email...www.aol.com, nothing good. Back to facebook, no new messages...who's got a new blog up? Damn, WAR and PEACE is funny as hell!!! Strictly Business...not so much business lately. The Last Prince...never thought about life that way before. Ahhh....bonding through the online journal, nothing like it. I should update my blog...nah, nothing to say at the moment. I'll wait. Sure don't feel like lesson planning.

(take a break...time check:7:00pm)

Juggling between facebook and iChat. Effing AIM. IM Whizdilla...whats good in Atl. Cuzzo IMs me. I finally open MS Word for MAC. Melaniepgc IMs me to tell me she has taken up baking. Close MS Word to congratulate the southern lady refining her skills. (don't feel like doing this lesson plan shit...why am I in Teach for America and grad school at the same time anyway?) Should have gone to NY. Who moves to LA? (sigh...)

(Time check: 9:30p)

Holla at El Pollo Loco...cooking isn't an option. Start thinking about ways to stretch out today's lesson into tomorrow's lesson objective. Copies...i'll have my TA make them when I get there in the morning. Outfit for tomorrow...i'll figure it out when I get up.

*mental note: need to create an LSAT study schedule pronto.

(Time Check: 11:07p)

Final facebook check: updates...two that catch my eye. She's single without a link to his page; He has no status...no link to hers.

Enough for tonight...Time check: 11:30p

On to another day.

A 23rd on the 10th (favs)

2005-11-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

I had to delay the birthday updates to see what other interesting things would happen by Sunday. Here goes:

10. My 10th graders almost caught an ass whopping on Thursday for acting a fool during 5th Period.

9. My paycheck was short $1000

8. Went out with the TFA crew to a turtle racing event. Apparently, people only attend this event to watch women show their thongs and bend over as they place the turtles in the racing bin. A random couple of women ran out to the racing mat and tongue-kissed in front of everyone. Which leads me to #7...

7. The TFA friend (or so I thought)saw the two women kissing and affirmed three times that she would like to go out there with me and "really show me something"...hmmm (strictly di----, you know the rest)

6. Met a random black dude from Eugene, OR (didn't know black folks lived there for real)

5. Bonded with my roommie over the need to buy abstinence supports (use your imagination)...nothing brings people together like sex talks.

4. My mom and dad didn't send me any birthday cards.

3. I am too old to receive presents from them.

2. Talked to an old friend and realized I still love him. I'll be glad when I don't feel anything.

1. Realized there is no such thing as fidelity.

Chai Latte...a response to the comments

2005-11-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

so...

L.Davenport: The truth is, I bitched and moaned for a couple years about what I was looking for in a guy. However, when he arrived in a package that I wasn't completely attracted to, I didn't allow myself to enjoy it. There is a measure of truth to what you say and I will admit that I was shocked by this guy because it had been soooooo long since someone reminded me of what I wonderful woman (which is something one should never forget) I was that I didn't know how to respond to him. I pushed him away.

Lonestar83: You are right and being out of the AUC helps you detach yourself from what the world says is attractive and sexy. At that time, I was in a microcosm where I was uncomfortable liking the secularly "unlikeable".

BP: I'll never tell...

Chai Latte

2005-11-07T22:44:00.000-08:00

A late night drive. Loneliness lead me to call a friend from my recent past and as I shared with him my most recent obsession with Chai Latte, our surface conversation went subterranean. We both danced the dance of intellectual humor where topical courtesies override matters of the heart. As I went on and on about my new life, I thought I heard the line go dead...
"Are you still there?" He replies, "I'm always here." Whammy. Most people simply become annoyed with the frequent check for an active listener, however, to say "I'm always here" says so much more. What does he mean? Now I decided a little while ago that men say exactly what they mean and it is us women who analyze and decode their statements into our own flights of fancy. I ask him for clarity. There is something so divine about an honest heart because love permeates the surface even when we desire to conceal our true intentions. He chooses safety, "I like to load my words." I keep digging. It is later discovered that when he sees me he sees his own defeat; a battle he never won. His first failure. If only he knew that he was fighting me in order to gain me. Since surface level conversation has never been my forte in times like this, I ask him, "If I take my clothes off, will you take yours off too?" He agrees. So I began to clarify his misunderstandings. He decided to stop playing the safe game and admit that he is still learning how to only think of me as a friend. With timing, destiny, and distance working against us...I wonder how different things would have been if we met under isolated conditions. Our conversation was so exposing...I couldn't immediately fall asleep. I was inspired to write; few men have this power.

The Point:
I think I met a man who is everything I could want in a man. He is intellectually stimulating. He is considerate. He is comfortable and honest with himself. He is goal-oriented and hard-working. He compliments me regularly. He is unselfishly giving of his time and his attention. He was ready to give me everything that he was...but I decided to be detached. No, he isn't the coolest. He isn't the most fashionable. And everyone doesn't like him. But he is 100% about the business of pleasing me. I allowed the opinions of others, previous experiences, and a lot of dating sub-categories that don't matter to help me dissect him into imperfect pieces so that I wouldn't be able to see him whole anymore. Today he isn't mine. He isn't anyone else's, but, surely not mine. When the real one comes to you...Are you woman enough to take him as he is?

Post your thoughts...
DOC

The Empty Dream

2005-11-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

I had the oddest dream last night. As I seek to congeal my thoughts and analyze what occurred, maybe my faithful blog readers can assist me.

The Dream

For some reason, i am with my family at some posh restaurant waiting for others to arrive. As more of my relatives arrived and greeted me, it dawned on me why they were present. They flew from everywhere because everyone was under the impression that I was getting married. My mother was beaming. My grandmother ecstatic. My close cousins and childhood playmates arrived and we walked about the restaurant arm in arm reminiscing. Internally, I felt disturbed because everyone was present and having a great time at this familial midday pre-wedding weekend brunch except one person--this "soon-to-be" husband of mine. I had no recollection of who this person was supposed to be. I was so happy to see all of my family that I never recognized that I was not engaged, not in a meaningful relationship, nor did I know anyone who had an interest. The peculiar part of it all is no one asked about "him". How does one marry without a significant other? Was this a spiritual marriage? What does it all mean?

Post your thoughts...I'm listening

"out in the streets....they call it Muuuurrrrddaaaaa"

2005-11-02T18:09:00.000-08:00

While in mid-sentence, a knock at the door redirects my attention to a mid-size young man accompanied by the academic dean. The pass in his hand indicated that today was his first day and he would be joining three of my classes this term. As he walks to his seat, other students greet him and ask,"hey man, how long you been out?" I am puzzled because I immediately assume he was locked up. While the other students continue working and as I add his name to my roll book, he begins a conversation with me about being locked up...

Student: "yeah miss, i ain't tryin to go back there no more. I just got out of juvie and after I left juvie they sent me to the county jail."

Me: "Its good that we all make efforts to change the path of our lives. What were you in for?"

Student: "they almost gave me life, miss. I was in for Attempted Murder."

Me: "I see. How old are you?"

Student: "17"

What do you say to this? My own infraction with the law resulted in the suspension of my driver's license. I have never been to jail let alone faced with a life sentence. For this student, the case isn't closed. He could still be sent to jail for a life sentence. The next day he arrives to class in all blue. Blue sweatshirt, jeans, blue and white chucks. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Making a boo-boo

2005-10-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

Life is filled with experiences and the beauty of these encounters is admitting when you made a poor choice. A poor choice may not be a bad decision in the general sense, however, it is definitely a unsatisfactory fit on you. You begin to ask yourself why you choose to continue on this path and you waiver between the following ideas:

1. you'd like to think that you finish what you start (no matter how difficult)
2. Can you afford to leave the path your on
3. Should you bow out gracefully?

The answers have yet to be revealed. I could continue on the path I'm on and try my best. The only thing being sacrificed is the academic achievement of 52 kids....I need to make a decision.

the purchase

2005-10-28T18:15:00.000-07:00

Who would've thought one purchase could meet soooooo many needs!! Thank God for for alternative options to everything and creative capitalism.

The copy cat...

2005-10-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

I saw this on my friends page and decided I wanted to view my own...

Scorpio: The Amorous Nature
YOU AND THE SCORPIO WOMAN
Faint heart never won a Scorpio female. It takes a man who knows exactly what he wants to hold his ground against a woman born under this sign.

Scorpio woman is very emotional, very affectionate, and very demanding. She is not interested in a light flirtation or a bed for the night. Neither does she believe in sharing. Any man who thinks it isn't necessary to sign a treaty just because he's having an affair with a woman would do well to avoid getting involved with a Scorpio female. She believes in treaties with irrevocable clauses and lots of fine print spelling out just what you can't do.

How does she get away with being so possessive and jealous? Because she is a marvelous, fascinating, irresistible woman—exciting in the bedroom, entertaining in the living room. She carries with her an enticing air of mystery. She can drive a man to the brink of despair and with a gesture summon him back to the heights of happiness.

There is no in-between with this explosive female. With any other woman of the zodiac, you can work out some sort of compromise about who has rights and who has suffered wrongs. Not with her. You have to knuckle under and make the best of your bargain, or settle for living in the middle of a permanent earthquake.

Love is very important to her, and she can turn on enough magnetism to attract any man. If a man is really special, she is willing to play the role of aggressor. Her dynamo starts to whir as soon as her remarkable intuitions tell her that this man is someone she'll be happy with. Her intuitions are rarely wrong. She is gifted with the ability to penetrate into hidden secrets of human nature.

Scorpio is a water sign, and like all the water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) this woman is very susceptible to the feelings of others. Her most intense desire is for a close, committed union. In a relationship she cannot bear coldness or casualness or a feeling that she is being shunted aside. When she is in love she is at her most vulnerable, for then a lover can hurt her without even knowing it. Another woman might forgive and forget, but when Scorpio woman is hurt she will always strike back. If necessary, she will destroy.

However, despite what you've heard about Scorpio's willful, passionate nature, she is a faithful mate to the man she chooses for her own. Hers is a fixed sign, and she possesses an enduring capacity for loyalty. A man could not have a fiercer ally. If Scorpio woman loves you, she will defend and protect you with her dying breath. What she demands is constancy—what she offers is fidelity. She is possessive, but most men with a Scorpio woman in their lives will tell you they want nothing more than to be possessed by her.

505 and Homecoming 2005

2005-10-23T23:54:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd say it but ....I MISS THE DIRTY!!!!! I should have written this blog earlier because my ideas were far funnier and fresh on my brain. Although my elderly mind is beginning to forget things...I managed to salvage some key ideas on which to elaborate:

a. 505
l am so glad I had the opportunity to spend time w/505. There's something unique about laughing until you sob (laughing until you cry means you aren't laughing hard enough), making fun of each other, and shedding tears when its time to go back to real life that brings people together.

b. The more things change...the more they stay the same.
A trip to homecoming wouldn't have been a trip at all if certain friends didn't show their true colors. It is to be expected that Mayra* would pull some shady shit this past weekend. Stuff like ignoring you when you say you're hungry to go and eat sushi with another group of friends and only kicking with you at the party you're attending because her jumpoff was headed to the party you went to. No one cares about your shoes costing $1500!! But i digress....

c. Old men
So, I defintely was hemmed up in a corner by an old jamaican man in the club. He kept asking me if I was married as his eyes cascaded down my frame...I felt like a whore just sitting there. I kept looking for cherise or jason to save me, but just like the loved ones they are...they left me there with "chester the woman molester".

d. Pleasant surprises
Two guys that I, at some point, felt strong about were present this past weekend. Needless to say, I am glad time heals old wounds. They were both looking good (one more so than the other) and I'm pleased that I had the opportunity to see them this weekend. What would have been even better is if I got to ....... one of them. (fill in the blank however you please...if you're my girl you picked the right thought).

e. Unbe-weaveable
Men are so hair obsessed its ridiculous. I got more compliments with my "long as s*#! to my thong and s*!#" hair than I ever got with my own. I have the best hairstylist in the world!!!!

I will leave you with a few fun lines from this weekend...

"I see you lookin...wit yo lookin ass"

"Bitch, don't get all A-Flat with me"

"Jason, what are you an effing chimney" (after he smoked 1,000 cigarettes)

til next time...

A few of my favorite things...(not in this order)

2005-10-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

McDonalds french fries...burger king tried to steal me away for a minute, but their fries just taste like dirty potatoes.

Heinz 57 Ketchup*thanks reesy

Sleep in the pouring rain.

Down feather comforter with 300-count egyptian cotton duvet cover (heaven on earth).

men with the "grown man" smell (translation: men that take pride in finding a cologne that matches their body chemistry)

getting my eyebrows waxed regularly (its like a new face every two weeks)

505

Hearing the life stories of older black women and drawing from their wisdom (especially those who have lived through the civil rights movement)

A male hairstylist with orgasmic hands at the shampoo bowl

my grandmother olivia

spending money and learning how to make more of it

Good Tea

Fabulous earrings

Shoes that make an average outfit look like Haute Couture

Reading Books that make you stop and take a look within

A man that makes you wanna take care of him

Love that inspires you to chorus

...a sentimental day...

The solo date

2005-10-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

One would assume being a 20-something in Los Angeles would mean endless dating and mating. This could not be further from the truth. In protest to being that desperate woman that will date anything just to have male company, I took myself on a date. I think it was much needed. On my solo date, I met a gay man who does costume design for films (...its LA). He wanted to keep in touch with me because he was from NYC and I am from Chicago (thereby making us the only normal people in los angeles). These are the kinds of things that happen when you go places alone. You have to interact with others. I miss people...everyone in this city is socially inept. (I am obssessed with my iPod nano!!)

nite

The Gospel

2005-10-14T23:10:00.000-07:00

I took myself on a date tonight to see the Gospel and I am not sure what I was expecting, but I left with more than I would've thought. Lust carried my interest at the onset of the film because Boris (God bless his parents!!) and Idris Elba are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fine! I had to catch myself from lusting after Nicole Ari Parker-Kodjoe's husband! I mean, I left the movie theater tonight thinking, I have to marry a black man (hands down). After my hormones subsided, I was able to take a spiritual/positive message from the movie: The only way to come to God is honestly with humility. Its funny how you become an adult, gain "experiences", and allow these encounters (especially the bad) with people (flawed and unreliable) to shape your heart. These experiences we all go through keep us from loving ourselves, trusting others, and believing in the greater good. We speak negatively about things we once hoped for. I think this is where I found myself within the last couple of months. To say the least, I saw myself in this film. As Boris ran away from everything he knew to be true, it all culminated with him having to face God by himself. He had to face his confusion, his fears, uncertainty, and indiscretions. The beautiful aspect of this is that he never put on a facade for God. I believe that God honors truth (whatever your personal truth means). The people who act like they are super self-righteous as the ones God despises.

No more thoughts....just inspiration for change.
DOC

the alumnae meeting

2005-10-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Now I am official...I have attended my first Spelman Alumnae meeting. I must say it was a little disappointing because the wonderful women I experienced Spelman with weren't present. There was no one there who remembered the night Leigh called someone ugly and a lamp mysterious fell on her face shortly after...no spelman sister was present who recalled the nights when HH Phi Beta (penthouse northside) was "super-saved" and used to hold prayer on Sunday in 317. Nonetheless, I was blessed to in the company of women who discovered life in our beloved community. Although I don't plan to live in Los Angeles long, I do look forward to being involved in the local chapter. For all of my other recent graduates, join the alumnae association. It does a soul good.

random commentary pt.2

2005-10-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

I am tired. I have a million and one things to do and I think I may need a body double. I need one of me to stay in LA, manage my financial budget, dodge the police (i don't have car insurance yet:), prepare for the GRE, complete my assignments for Grad school, and decorate my bedroom. I need another me to miraculously lose 120lbs, fly to atlanta, pamper me, get a new look, buy new clothes, and look(& feel) absolutely fabulous for homecoming 2005. Realistically, this shit is not about to pop off the way I planned. The weird part is ...I have the money to go to atlanta and have a good time. The real reason I am not going is because I don't feel like I have accomplished my short-term personal goals. Adulthood is the time in your life (so I am discovering) when you make choices...go to homecoming and kick it...or stay in LA relieve yourself of some debt and study. You make the call.

I am a little lonely today. I need an STD (something to do) type of guy. One of those...lets hang out and go to the movies/lets be affectionate/dinner date type of friends. I think R. Kelly called them "homie/lover/friends".

I am excited about the Spelman alumnae meeting this weekend. I bought a bed today and I have a really creative idea about my bedroom decor. I found a dark bamboo stick bundle at Pier 1 and I plan to purchase some eccentric fabric (primarily bold solid colors and rich prints) to drape around the bamboo rods. Its like a "mock headboard". My bookclub meeting is this weekend and I have been waiting in anticipation since I joined. Our feature book of the month is entitled NAKED. To say the least, reading about the experiences of other women as they share their stories about body image and blackness has sparked a myriad of thoughts within me. Everybody loves Chris is funny as hell...its the reason I rush home on Thursday. Don't you miss rushing home to watch quality TV? Remember when you had to be at home from 7pm to 9pm Friday night (no matter what was going on) because it was TGIF and it all began with Steve Urkel (or Stephan Urkell). Ahhh...when TV keep us out the streets. My new obsession...I really want an IPOD nano. Call me a loser for suggestive selling but I really really really really really really really really really really really WANT ONE!!!! In fact...thats my new birthday wish. I need a new PC also. Ummm....i'm running all over the place now. I'll end the torture.

DOC

To Press or Relax (a reflection)

2005-10-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

The black woman's burden is centered around our crowning glory--our hair. My grandmother (God bless her soul) was so petrified by my hair that she secretly had her hairstylist apply chemical relaxer to my hair at age three (of course, my mother was livid). My hair has been a serious obsession ever since. After spending the earliest portion of my hair years growing out a relaxer and transitioning to a press, I began to visit Ms. Henrietta. Ms. Henrietta was a old school hairdresser who at some point migrated to Chicago from the dirty long before I was ever thought of. In my memories, my cousin and I would wake up at 6:00am on Saturday morning to head the westside of Chicago for our 7:15 appointment w/Ms. Henrietta. I recall waiting in the hairshop for an eternity as Ms. H pressed my hair with one hand and ate a pigfoot drenched in hotsauce with the other. Pigs feet and greens were one of the delicacies of Ms. Henrietta's hair shop. In fact, I ate my first pigs foot at the salon...lol, I was such a greedy child. As I got older, I thought I was too good for the Pig Feet shop. I wanted a relaxer and considered the pressed look old fashioned. I got my approved relaxer at the age of 10 and my hair has been a pain in my ass ever since. As a grown woman in LA, where the press and curl is ever present, I find myself trying to become unshackled by chemical treatments. I haven't seen my hair in its natural state in God knows how long. I am excited to meet myself again...the way God made me. I think my reasons for shying away from non-chemically treated hair is because I didn't feel strong enough to be myself. In fact, I was afraid to see what "myself" looked like. Maybe this step will allow me to transition to a larger step which would be freeing myself from straighteners all together. We all grow in different phases.

P.S. I think I am upset with the limitations accentric culture as placed on a woman's beauty. When I see my sisters who have released themselves from chemical treatments, my heart is proud...I am motivated because that is the level of freedom I desire to experience.

Moment of Truth,
DOC

Something I HATE

2005-10-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

The process of getting to know someone gets on my darn (trying not to use explicatives these days) nerves. I hate that odd period when you a guy and you don't get each other's jokes because you are still learning each other's sense of humor. I hate it when someone expresses their interest in you and there actions differ from their words. Hate does not describe my sentiments for this guy that I thought I liked but as I continue speaking with him, I realize that we have only had only good conversation. He annoys me. He would be likeable if he didn't bore me to death. I feel like I am doing a one-woman coon show when I talk to him on the phone. It has always been my understanding when a man likes a woman, he will show direct interest in her. This guy is far too ambiguous for me. So ambiguous that I am not so sure that I want to be his friend. I think this saga has only gone this far because I am not currently entertaining anyone else...if I were, clearly I wouldn't care. So much for allowing boredom to direct relationships.

Your crappy relationship expert,
DOC

The Nightlife

2005-10-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of experiencing a taste of LA "nightlife" this evening. When darkness fell over the city, I was sitting in the backrow at the Conga Room waiting for a love poet/live music event to begin. When I walked through the door, I realized that my friends and I were the only ones able to classify ourselves in the 21-25 age group. Can you see some 40+somethings dancing to Trillville "Some Cut". Not a pleasing sight to say the very least. When the show began I noticed two things off top: the sister with her entire back out (including her back's back...she didn't need to have on that catsuit), and the sister with her BELLY out (not simply a stomach). I am not by any means the fashion police, however, I am the "big gul in the wrong ensemble" police. PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON!!! As a member of the big girl crew, I feel comfortable in advising my sisters to CAMOUFLAGE! Colors and sizes should be our friends not our enemies. More important than clothing, I realized that everyone in LA has a miniscule claim to fame. Before one performer did her thing, she was introduced like so...
announcer:"Do you all remember the song 'Brenda's got a Baby'?" "Well, our next performer sang the hook on that song. Give her a hand."

Now it may just be me...but wasn't that a dude singing the hook on that track?hmmmm (reesy google this please)

To add insult to injury, the announcer said and here with her tonight is Tupac's brother. All due respect to Pac, but do you want to spend your life introduced as "Pac's brother". What's your name son? and what do you do as an individual that you need introduction?hmmm

My new name is Mike Jones because my ass is hot in LA. I met an interesting fellow this evening...a college drop-out. Sounds promising. lol

Til next time

back to school night

2005-10-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

Recuerda cuando su era un nino y sus maestros dijeran sus padres mal cosas sobre ti. Ayer, yo era esa maestra. Did you understand any of this? If not, you experienced what I experienced at Parent/Teacher night. None of my kid's parents speak english...and thats cool because this shows me how my ass needed to learn Spanish many years ago. Pero ahora, yo estoy aprendiendo muy rapidamente. By this time next year...I think I might be fluent.

Everybody hates Chris...

2005-09-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

This is my new show! I laughed until a cried. It reminded me of so many moments as an oldest child. I recommend everyone to check it out next thursday night. As an aside...Tyra is about to be the new Oprah. All we need on TV now is the Cosby Show reincarnate.

To date him or not to date him

2005-09-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

Do you date him if....
1. He calls?
2. He wants your home phone number not your cell?
3. He calls you in the middle of the day?
4. He drives a nice car?
5. He's resourceful?
6. He's is honest and upfront?
7. He attended a well-known school?
8. He supports black businesses?

But how would that change if I told you...
1. He calls from his best friend's phone.
2. He is extremely aggressive about getting your home number because he does not have long distance on his cell.
3. He calls you at 1:00pm while you're at work because he is unemployed.
4. The car he met you in was his "people's" car (he wants to take you out but has no car)
5. By profession he's a boot-legger who can easily burn any cd, dvd, or vhs you request and give it to you free
6. He ask you if you are bi-sexual because that is his wack ass way of trying to find out if you are a freak because you said you were a scorpio
7. His school is well known for race riots in LA...this school is also where you work and you know he might not be too bright
8.You met him around the Crenshaw mall

The car..

2005-09-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

I bought a new car yesterday and I think I should be far more excited than I am. I am excited about being able to get everywhere I need to be, however, I don't think I am so much excited about the car. Maybe I am treating it like everyone should treat their vehicles...like a means of reliable transportation and not penis with wheels, status symbol, or a false idol. I am grateful that I was able to find a suitable car and now I just need to worry about insuring it. I hear insurance is so high in So Cal that I will only be able to eat peanuts for dinner.

Random Commentary

2005-09-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

Today's blog isn't special by any means...I just felt the need to express myself. I decided to edit the template of my blog since the other colors were a bit depressing (quietly, I think these may be too loud). I wanted something in my world to be bright because adult life is kicking me in the a*^ bone. I continue to truck it on the LA metro transit daily, which is not as bad as I thought. Although, I am ditching grad school tonight because I don't have bus fare to get there and back home. Something told me to take cash out when I went to the back yesterday:(

Meanwhile, I miss my mom. Dad still isn't speaking to me. I miss money. I miss life without real bills. I miss youthful innocence and candor. Lil' Kim is my new role model...lets see, ummm....oh, I was really krunk* to see Beyonce on the cover of Essence magazine (I LOVE HER!!!). Don't you love forgetting you have a check to deposit? I do. What is God saying to us with these hurricanes? True humility and love is when your stepmom calls you to leave you an encouraging message on your voicemail when her own mother is in a hospital bed with cancer. I think I'd like to close out these arbitrary thoughts with some "real-life" awards (505 will appreciate this):

Award for the Most Accident Prone Workaholic in need of a Vacation goes to...Leigh. (oh, how I love you)
Award for the Most Improved Drive to be a Star goes to...Tamika (How many people can say they tried to be an American Idol? I admire that!)
Award for the "I miss my friend Danielle so I give her daily shout-outs on my blog" goes to...Cherise (I miss you just as much, if not more)
Award for "I'm a Chicagoan til Chicago-end" goes to ...Aunt Kim for her ride or die Chi-town southside accent.
Award for "Best Hell-NO for an Auto Loan" goes to ...the California Teacher's Credit Union.

I think thats all I have to share for now...toodles.

*southern term for beyond excitement.

adventures on the LA metro...

2005-09-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

Riding public transit in LA isn't as bad as people made it out to be. With the exception of the crazy man who cussed out the bus driver for being on time and the homeless man who sleeps at the bus stop wrapped in a blanket, its pretty alright. I feel like I live in LA now. I will be speaking fluent Spanish very soon since it is the language of choice in this city. Only place I need to figure out how to get to now is the route from my house to a car dealership because this bus thing isn't going to last much longer!lol

The creepy science teacher

2005-09-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

Okay...take your mind back to when you were in your High School physics and/or chemistry class. If you were a student at Morgan Park HS, you would immediately think of Mr. Coleman and Mr. F. Lee Slick. These were two of the creepiest men ever. Mr. Coleman had the scariest eye brows I had ever seen. They were gray and crawled above the frames of his bifocal glasses. These brows extended from this face to his hair line and when he laughed they made him look like Dr. EVIL because they became V-Shaped. The crevice of the "v" rested at his nose. ahhh....bad memories. F. Lee Slick on the other hand, was not as creepy but definitely weird. He seemed like the quiet guy that eats humans and stores them in his deep freezer. The point I am getting at is...there is a teacher at my school who looks like "Bill Nye the science guy" gone wrong. He scares me. Thank goodness I am not a student anymore. I think its kinda worse because the creepy science teacher and I are colleagues now. lol

Relationship Realizations

2005-09-11T04:19:00.000-07:00

There are three relationships I would like to look into for this particular contribution:
1. My relationship with my father
2. My relationships with men
3. My relationship with God

1. On DKC
When God created my father, he created one heck of a guy. I love my father for reasons that I find difficulty trying to explain. I see the love he has for me when I share an interest I have with him and he overwhelms me with ideas, research findings, and all kinds of other things on my new goal. I see his love when I he talks my head off about anything because he wants to make sure that I know everything. I feel safe with my father... It shouldn't be this hard to see how someone shows you they love you. Or better yet, it shouldn't be this hard to think of how they show their love to you. I think it would be easier if I thought he understood me...less difficult if he compromised more and didn't try to run my life...even simpler if he didn't make me feel like my career choices weren't good enough. The love you have for someone should be without condition, my love for him is unconditional.

2. On Men
Ever had this experience? You reconnect with someone you haven't spoken to in a while and, after a week of communication, realize why you didn't jump at the opportunity to get at them when you had the chance. This has definitely happened to me. I think I should stop trying to make myself interested in guys I clearly do not like. Experiences like this make me recognize what I do not want:
a. I do not want a socially imbalanced man.
b. I do not want a conversationally challenged man.
c. I do not want an relationally indecisive man (defined as a man who has trouble deciding between myself and the chick he never told me existed)
d. I choose not to date a man whose sexual identity is ambiguous or at some points unclear to me.

3. On God
This is a relationship that needs mending. Right now my relationship with God is similar to a child that got caught misbehaving and tiptoes around his father so his father doesn't remember his behavior and get mad all over again. In my attempts to pray lately, I haven't been able to find words to say. I think of God all the time...especially since I hung up on my father last night. It would probably be a good idea to spend some time in the days to come and listen to the still voice. I have been trying to fill my days with noise and people so I wouldn't have to acknowledge the spiritual void that is present.

In all three cases, issues must be addressed in order for the relationship to be rekindled. It's important to assess what your needs are and what you will/will not accept in order to move on. Acknowledging where you are in the relationship aides the growth of it.

Teaching at Jefferson

2005-09-11T04:03:00.000-07:00

So, for the next few weeks, I will be teaching children with autism, mental retardation, and cerebral palsy. The kids are great...the administration of the school sucks. Because the kids I teach require so much, the administration restricts them to two classrooms only. The students travel between my classroom and another teacher's class all day. It has been requested that my students no longer visit the school library because they are distracting to the other teachers. Plainly stated: this is discrimination. Children who have significant behavioral challenges are thrusted into special education without regard to their academic capabilities. Jeff HS is 93% latino, 6% African-American, and 1% other. The publicized "race riots" that have occurred at Jefferson in the past year have been exaggerated by the mass media. What has in fact occurred is a cultural shift in population. Dorothy Dandridge, Alvin Ailey, and Ralph Bunche are among Jefferson HS alumni. The school was historically an all black school in formerly all black South Central LA. Now, the school auditorium is the only place to find the black faces of esteemed alumni and many of the current students are unfamiliar with the legacy of the school. In the homecoming court race there are no black students. The school newspaper does not show one black face. The teachers fear the students to the point that reprimanding a child for using poor language (swearing in the presence of an adult) is unheard of. The students smell fear in the teachers and I truly believe that this will continue because the administration is resistant to change. I search myself for a place to begin my journey at Jefferson...so much to be done.

Being Flexible...A way of life

2005-09-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

So today I find myself at Jefferson Senior High in South Central LA. I was told that I would be a substitute teacher on a day-by-day basis, however, when I arrive I learn that I am to take over a Special Education class until October 31, 2005. Are you serious? I was not in any way prepared to be teaching so soon. In addition to my own apprehensions, I discovered this morning that my students do not have any books! How do you learn without books? The school has no materials and the there is no new teacher orientation. I, a political scientist, am expected to teach functional math, applied reading and writing, community orientation, self-care, and computer access for the handicapped without any books. I still haven't met the principal. The school does not have paper or writing supplies. Today I will do the impossible...today I will become superwoman. *I'll revisit this blog after-school to share how the day ended up.

nothing is for sure, nothing is for certain...but until they close the curtains....

2005-08-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder if the things you chase after in life are worth it? The natural destruction that has erased New Orleans from the map makes me think that everything we desire in life has the ability to be destroyed. When I was a child, I was taught to excel academically to attain an established career. In shopping experiences, my mom always made it a point to teach me about quality shoes and clothing vs. the cheap stuff that does not last. I was taught about the important of your physical appearance and its relationship to upward mobility and networks. While all of these lessons were coupled with measures of truth...I recognize today as I have in times past that these lessons weren't everything.

As I watched a man sit on the roof of his home, completely surrounded by water, I realize that his career and material assets were irrelevant. What is there to hold on to when the tangible things pass away? I reflect on my experiences in the AUC and think about all the people who carried themselves haughtily. People I called friends that turned their noses at the homeless. I pitied these beings because I knew if all hell broke loose in their lives they would not be able to survive. For they were poor in spirit and character. My hearts desire is to be reachable and grounded. The only virtues we should seek in this life are faith, love, compassion, and humility. Depending on our measure of faith, the amount we have cannot be shaken. While relationships that began love can fade away, the true love does not die. Compassion to connect with the human experience is impossible to lose. The prideful man will be broken...and God gives grace to the humble. Let's begin to rethink the objectives we ambitiously seek after.

THE BOTTOM LINES:
"We run past what we need trying to chase what we want."--Talib Kweli

no regrets

2005-08-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

When you reach the place in life where you decide to live without regret, you have truly found out what life is all about. For so long I would look back on my lifes experiences (not like I have so many...I am merely twenty-something*wink) and I'd frown at things that I have done, decisions I made, and things I've said. I can even pinpoint men that I have dated and thought, "What the hell was I thinking when I entertained that clown?" I still get grossed out at the thought of some. In my new life, I am looking forward to using every experience for a higher purpose. So all that to say...if I go to this hair stylist tomorrow and he f*%$s up my hair, it will be life's way of saying..."you didn't need that hair anyway". WE SHALL SEE...

Life in LA (part 1)

2005-08-29T00:50:00.000-07:00

As a blogging virgin, I think it goes against the grain to jump right into this with my thoughts.

So what the hell am I doing in Los Angeles? I ask myself this question from time to time when trying to call my family and friends...life in this time zone just doesn't make sense. When I first got here, I was pleased to find that normal life does exist in LA. Of course, this was only week one. I later discovered that LA is filled with a bunce of poor people trying to be far more important than they are. The women here wear pounds of makeup and mountains of "indian" hair weave (yes, in the city of LA there is only one type of "proper" weave). The guys here all texturize their hair to achieve the "naturally curly" look, however, they all just look like wet puppies. To aide my LA initiation, I had to pleasure of being close in range to gunshots and quickly jumping into a hallway and away from the windows to escape what could have been my death. If I were a business woman, I would swiftly transition my line of work to the mercedes corporation. People here drive mercedes vehicles like they're hondas. This doesn't ad up because the school system here is the worst. What are the values of the residents?

On a lighter note, I have a few concerns...

1. With all the image consciousness and "high-living", why can't I find an amazing hair stylist that takes American Express? (its LA, who uses cash anymore?)

2. Why do all the black men here date non-black women? Is this what I should expect and look forward to?

3. What is life going to be like without 505? If you don't know who they are...this does not apply to you.

The good part of all of this...I am excited about my new life in Los Angeles. I do not have low expectations for my life here and I am ecstatic about the prospect of meeting new people.

I think I should blog at earlier times...late night blogging is really a bunch of random thoughts. Plus, I am getting too old for this late night ***t.