Round 2

Its time to write again. I've mustered up enough real life shit to share, so I'm ...sharing. In this phase 2 round of adulthood, I'll address several topics in turn:

1. Full Circle Love Affairs

2. Exercise, Weightloss, and Shit Fat Girls Go Through

3. Unprofessional Professionalism

4. God and Mysteries of Iniquity (it all, it all falls down)

Stick around...its about to get real, real.

Mind over Matter

Working out scares the shit out of me. The workout itself doesn't scare me as much as the decision to workout. When you're overweight, it is a visible weakness apparent to others. Others categorize your weight as your handicap; it is the exception to your greatness. "He's handsome but he's a big dude" or "She's cute but she has a gut"....and we all know the guts don't get STUCK (that was ADHD in real time...iDigress).

Ok, so you decide to workout. You muster up the courage to actually do it, and let's face it, you've always wanted to be a track star or master athlete. In your mind, you're gonna kill it in kickboxing today. You pack your best "hold the girls down" sports bra. All you have to do is make it to the gym. The work day is zooming along and all of a sudden you start thinking about all those times you had great workout ambition only to feel like the gym class dunce. Or that one time you lost X amount of weight by actually working out and eating well ...then you gained it all back. (Kickboxing starts at 6pm and the clocks says 5:45p). You head over to the gym anyway...this time will be different. Then you see them. The power ranger white girls who have been aware of their weight since 2 years old. They had personal trainers since they were 5 and were doing the Insanity workout by the time they were 10. They are lean, mean, workout machines. Now, here you are, in your homemade workout gear looking like the end result of childhood obesity. They look at you, you look at them. You could make a run for it but, alas, you decide to stay (Good for you!).

Class begins. Jumping jacks to start. Are their ankles hurting like your ankles are hurting? Are they as tired from these warm-up jumping jacks as you are? The mirror. Is your ass really that big? Fifteen minutes into class and this isn't going the way it went in your mind. You're 30 minutes in...can you stick it out for another 30? Its the first day right...you tried. You walk out. Now you really feel like a fucking failure. You're not that tired you just weren't about all that jumping around. What do they call it again? Oh, yes, Cardio....the shit that takes the fat off. You get over yourself and decide to try again the next time they offer the class...until you get home, undress, and see your gut and get depressed all over again.

The unfortunate cycle of workout motivation and defeat continues.

the 12 step program

Where's the 12 step program for the heartbroken? Lovers Anonymous? I am coordinating my own program for heart recovery and membership is free. This program is for everyone who earnestly loved the wrong one. Finally, there is a program for those whose egos were bruised by the "I told you so's", minds are fragile from the jedi tricks, hopes are floating away on the "love don't live here boat", and spirits are challenged on whether to love again. Danity Kane tried to pretty up heartbreak in that cute little song that really doesn't tell the half of it.12 steps are too many. I'm shaving my list down to 8. I'll begin with the steps:
1. Admit you have a problem.
2. Pray... Specifically for clarity and guidance.
3. Don't play the blame game. 4. Practice listening to your spirit.
5. Reconnect with yourself and what you find important.
6.Use your support network for support and not sympathy.
7. Become comfortable with the knowledge that God makes NO mistakes.
8. Cry when you need to.

-DOC...on some real life s**t

Love on a Thursday

Hand holding, inside jokes

shared memories of back strokes

flirtatious texts about shit we haven't tried yet

Hot drinks on cold days

Cuddling after wrestled play

wrapped in the same blanket when it rains

Heated debate 

Intelligently disagreeing about our people's fate

Equally recognizing too little has been done too late

Out and about in our daily affairs

Insightful moments come

Knowing you would've loved to have been there

You visit my dreams and appear so real

Closer and clearer in view

"In bed asleep, while they do dream things true." -Shakespeare

-DOC

Acting Ugly

I've found myself in a strange new land.  A land where bullshit runs rampant and sex is the preferred currency.  Love has no place here.  Romance can't stay here and unfortunately I can't remember the turn I made that led me to this place.  If I follow biblical knowledge, I'll find a way to be here without looking like I belong here...which is hard to do.  My mind does not believe that I enjoy the indulgences of this town, but something within me is dying to try things out.  Desire leads me to streets unknown and the more I follow desire the further away I get from home.  The more necessity takes me from address to address, the less I'm able to decipher need from excess.  There is a lesson for me to learn and without it I won't be able to leave.  I needed to find grace and mercy for those who, some time ago, have walked these streets.  I lacked compassion for those with homes unlike mine.  The trials I endure here burn.  They burn to keep the ugly out... of my spirit.   

Pathways

Our lives symbolize paths.  We are in complete control of our paths.  We decide whether or not we would like flowers or thorns to grow along our path.  We decide which way we'll go at the forks in the road.  The part about our life's path is that we think other people complete the pathway.  The truth is that others have their entrances and exits along our path.  There aren't any permanent walking partners unless God gave them to us at the beginning of our journey (family).  I have spoken to so many women who are looking so hard for someone to walk with them that they no longer walk briskly.  They have stopped walking.  We have to move about our path whether we have walking partners or not.  The path is your life and what you make of it.  If you want others to join your pathway, make your path look like something someone else wants to be a part of.  Enhance your life.  Exercise.  Care for your spirit.  Work out your own issues.  Learn how to have fun and enjoy your own company.  Friends leave.  Family passes on.  Walking partners (intimate relationships) begin and end.  All along the way, you will always have you.  Be good to you... and don't ever be afraid to walk alone.

DOC

Deal? or No Deal?

1. Hot Guy ... but a B.O.? Everytime you see him he smells like shit and wants to know why you are never free to hang out. Do you tell him his body smells like two week old seafood?

2. An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend... that married someone else but wants you back?

3. He/She is extremely attractive, down to earth, spiritual, ambitious, and ... sexual, in fact, so sexual that he/she has three children? Deal/No Deal?

4. Impotence? Sure, its understandable at 60 but what about at 25? Deal/No Deal? You're more into the heart/soul anyway, right?

5. Someone who wears tighty whities?

6. Long distance relationships?

7. He's a plumber. How does his blue collar match your ivy (or black ivy) background?

8. She's/He's a stripper? Are you okay with your bread being bought with "rain" money?

9. Ugly Feet? Do you roll out of bed like Eddie in Boomerang?

10. A virgin?

Fuji Apples and Peanut Butter...

...the meal of choice for ambitious singles. 2008 has been an interesting year thus far and I've had a few realizations:

1. Emotions are overrated. Statements that begin with, "I feel..., When you said...," don't end with any concrete solutions so my recommendation is that you keep it to yourself.

2. Love means something completely different today than it did when the stomach butterflies were still alive. I'll even venture to say that my theory on love is still being shaped but I have learned enough of what love is not. Love is not being uncomfortable and afraid of being your complete self. Love is not being with someone that makes you feel as if you, as you are, are not enough. Love is not ambiguity. Love is well reasoned, compatible, and reciprocal.


3. You can't walk past the color purple in a field and never stop to notice it. Life is too short to fail to appreciate the beauty of nature. Every place has some sort of natural beauty (coastline, park, lake, ocean, flower garden) and it is our responsibility to rest beside it and breathe for our sanity's sake. Bottom line: Get out more.

4. Fuji Apples and Organic Peanut Butter prove to be a delightful snack for the health-conscious single with a sweet tooth on an otherwise gloomy LA day. Tony, Tone, Toney must not have visited So Cal when they made that song.


DOC

Home for the Holidays

Every year, I feel this overwhelming need to see my family for the holiday season. I trick myself into believing that "this trip home" will be different from the last. I say things like, "I will go and visit _______ this year" or "I have to spend time with Uncle Buster since he's getting up there". My mind is filled with these grandiose ideas of relaxing with my mom over a cup of coffee, sleeping late, shopping, and family time. In my anticipation, I paint Chicago to be this oasis of winter wonderland complete with bright lights and smiling faces. That is until I arrive to find dirty ass slush on the ground and the smiling faces are buried under the massive Al-Qaida like scarves protecting faces from the soul-cracking wind. I've also become disgusted with this notion of Santa Claus. Jesus was not born on December 25th and if by some miracle he were, I seriously think he'd be bothered that we celebrate his birth with material possessions to show our love for one another. Its an age-old recognition that few take the time to reform.

Example #1:

Me (to the little bro): "So, were you excited about your GameStop gift card?"
Little Brother (the gamer): "well, yeah, but ... I asked for two gift cards. What happened to the toy store gift card?"

Example #2:

Little cousin (first grade): "I can spell my whole name."
me: "Really? Spell it for me."
(she proceeds to spell out her first, middle, and last name)
Little cousin: "Did you buy me a present?"
Me (in an awkward position...how do you explain temporary poverty to a child?): "No sweetie. I'm sorry."
Little Cousin (runs away quickly)

Maybe she should've asked me about the present before she wasted her time spelling her name... who knows. Anyhow, I'm usually not one for resolutions but I have one this year. Well, perhaps, more than one. to be continued...


PS... "What do the lonely do at Christmas?" is an awful song. Its like an invitation to suicide. I think it shouldn't be allowed on the radio between september 1st and january 2nd. Just a thought.