Why can't I let the man love me?
I am making this shit harder than Chinese calligraphy and I don't understand why its so hard to be the same transparent me with a man so deserving. He's the perfect guy but I think that scares me. Am I afraid of being loved or afraid of loving? I'm scared as hell. All I can think about my best friend's position at the end of her long term relationship...I'd never seen a woman so torn apart by heartbreak. In fact, she didn't even know where this thing called "love" and "heartache" found her. She was ill internally. I think about my mother and father...how they were both train wrecks waiting to collide. I wonder if that'll be me? What I do know is that he wants to love me but will move on without me if I don't figure this shit out soon. What frightens me is that I know he's a keeper. I am even more frightened about existing with him...journeying through life with him...making babies with him...raising a family with him. I don't know if I could have a normal family...how can you produce what you haven't seen. If I figure out what is really keeping me from loving him freely we would be dynamic. I know he'll take care of me...if I ever admit I need to be taken care of.
More importantly, I know if I keep fucking around...no one will pick up the phone when I muster up the courage to let him know I'm ready to take the chance.
