Grown Woman Shit
Why can't I let the man love me?
I am making this shit harder than Chinese calligraphy and I don't understand why its so hard to be the same transparent me with a man so deserving. He's the perfect guy but I think that scares me. Am I afraid of being loved or afraid of loving? I'm scared as hell. All I can think about my best friend's position at the end of her long term relationship...I'd never seen a woman so torn apart by heartbreak. In fact, she didn't even know where this thing called "love" and "heartache" found her. She was ill internally. I think about my mother and father...how they were both train wrecks waiting to collide. I wonder if that'll be me? What I do know is that he wants to love me but will move on without me if I don't figure this shit out soon. What frightens me is that I know he's a keeper. I am even more frightened about existing with him...journeying through life with him...making babies with him...raising a family with him. I don't know if I could have a normal family...how can you produce what you haven't seen. If I figure out what is really keeping me from loving him freely we would be dynamic. I know he'll take care of me...if I ever admit I need to be taken care of.
More importantly, I know if I keep fucking around...no one will pick up the phone when I muster up the courage to let him know I'm ready to take the chance.
5 Comments:
there will always be someone better and someone worse. that is not our concern. what we have to decipher is not who's better or who is worse, but who is right and who is wrong.
and that requires no question.
Um. Have I been out of the loop? lol. I've been there, felt that way...and rightfully so. I'm more confused, yet I want to respond. I've taken it back to the basics...aside from should I enter in relation to him...I am wondering what is love anyway?... Why IS it so hard to take that leap, to make the choice to allow someone to love you; and you in turn give that love. It's complicated. No one, going into a relationship, knows whether it will last forever or not (unless of course they have taken the rose colored glasses off long enough to hear the voice of God, the only ONE who will let us know when it's time). Many people say "I Do" and think it will last forever and MEAN it, and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. But with this guy, are we talking about 'forever'? Dunno. Let's just take one day at a time. I say go for it...jump on it...and read some damn books...like the bible...the answer is there. I know we're not supposed to have 'regrets' but I do...not for what I did but for what I didn't do. I didn't allow him to enter into loving relation with me. And it's fine. Life goes on. But I always wonder what it would have been like. I say all that to say, let the man love you...easier said than done. It's scary...as hell. I know I would rather hold onto being alone and happy because I know what to expect but life is for living, mistakes, successes, love, pain, growth...let the man love you. And if he has a cute, tall brother, tell him to HOLLA!
From my experience only do I write...Love comes and go just as opportunities, it's up to us to ultimately choose. It sounds to me that you are afraid of you and what damage you would do to hinder the relationship.
Begin there...begin with self. Take some time (a day perhaps) and write about your feelings on paper put it away for a couple of weeks then go back to what you wrote.... do your feelings remain in truth or were they an illusion to you wanting to be held, needed, loved?
I wish you all the best and I enjoyed reading your blog.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
You deserve to be loved, D. But as I always say, follow your HEART.
Post a Comment
<< Home