Holding Back

Throughout my short life, I have been blessed to participate in a variety of opportunities/activities that others covet. I am often surprised when I learn that I have been accepted into academic programs and considered for awards/honors. When these opportunities present themselves, I feel as if I do not deserve the distinction because I seem to follow the same trend: I gain acceptance and find the program to be less than my expectations. I lose interest in the program and all of the talents and innovations I bring to the table lay dormant until the next "big" thing comes along. Essentially, I hold back. In my professional reviews, my superiors have felt the same way. The words they choose to express these sentiments matter not, but the sentiment is indeed the same. God has given me many abilities and for these things, I am grateful. I am, however, puzzled by the barrier that keeps me from fulfilling my expectations of myself. What is the antecedent to my complacency? What is holding me back?
I think it’s the responsibility and accountability that comes with greatness. I don’t think I want to be the “prototype” or model citizen at all times. I want the freedom to “fuck up” because erring is human. I have seen what happens when people idolize humans. The idolized beings do something human and all the false hope others placed on them fades. Suddenly, they were never talented to begin with. They become “like everyone else”. I run from greatness. This is problematic because greatness is in my future. When is the time to stop running? When is it time to thrust 150% into the project of right now because it will make me a better me tomorrow? I can’t keep holding back. I don’t want to be 70 years old with a pile of shoulda-coulda-woulda regrets.

Shot Down-Who will he become?

Mackenzie*, a fourteen year old at TJHS, is a rather awkward child. He's the kid you want to beat the shit out of and then hug and tell him "I beat you because I love you". I don't understand why his mom spent $135 on a new pair of air jordans but fails to send $10 to school for his lost library book...a true mistery of blackness. Anyhow, Mackenzie has tried to "holla" at two of my female students. Both ladies are rather intelligent, in fact, some may consider them to characterize the early signs of "independent black woman" syndrome. Sassy with lots of attitude, these girls are smart and they know it. Mackenzie approaches Mya* in the library one day as the students are looking for books at their individual reading levels. Most students are in the level 1/2 section, but Mya is the only student in the level 4/5 section. Mackenzie spots her. He pauses for a second to think of an approach...he's got it. He walks towards her combing the books at his arm's reach with one finger and his eye on the target.

Mackenzie: "Hey, Mya...is there any chance you'd like to go out with me sometime?"
Mya: (no response, ...she doesn't look up yet and appears to continue looking for a book. She pulls out a book, looks Mackenzie up and down, and says...) "Read this."

The title of the book read, "NO WAY!"

And yes, this is a true story from south central.