Holding Back

Throughout my short life, I have been blessed to participate in a variety of opportunities/activities that others covet. I am often surprised when I learn that I have been accepted into academic programs and considered for awards/honors. When these opportunities present themselves, I feel as if I do not deserve the distinction because I seem to follow the same trend: I gain acceptance and find the program to be less than my expectations. I lose interest in the program and all of the talents and innovations I bring to the table lay dormant until the next "big" thing comes along. Essentially, I hold back. In my professional reviews, my superiors have felt the same way. The words they choose to express these sentiments matter not, but the sentiment is indeed the same. God has given me many abilities and for these things, I am grateful. I am, however, puzzled by the barrier that keeps me from fulfilling my expectations of myself. What is the antecedent to my complacency? What is holding me back?
I think it’s the responsibility and accountability that comes with greatness. I don’t think I want to be the “prototype” or model citizen at all times. I want the freedom to “fuck up” because erring is human. I have seen what happens when people idolize humans. The idolized beings do something human and all the false hope others placed on them fades. Suddenly, they were never talented to begin with. They become “like everyone else”. I run from greatness. This is problematic because greatness is in my future. When is the time to stop running? When is it time to thrust 150% into the project of right now because it will make me a better me tomorrow? I can’t keep holding back. I don’t want to be 70 years old with a pile of shoulda-coulda-woulda regrets.