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Writer's block...

disclaimer: I finally figured out the reason why I have avoided my own blog. My writings weren't a true reflection of what I have been feeling and thinking for the last couple of months. I began this blog to free myself and I haven't allowed myself to be free because I have become aware of my audience...with that awareness comes censorship. I'm breaking the chains today.

My life for the past few days has sucked ass. In fact, its been like a bad ass movie. How would it feel if you got your ass beat by someone you trusted and never got an apology? To add salt the wound...they never admit they beat your ass. Its complete fiction...the shit never happened (so they say). Oddly enough, you remember healing from the pain and becoming comfortable with the possibility that your questions will never be answered. After you've been sucked back into old negative emotions and a pool of lies from the Father of Lies' competitor (aka the "devil"), you realize that all life interventions have to cease.
No more aiding in closure...call it what you will. Fuck closure...it doesn't exist. I'm so naive sometimes...so genuine sometimes its sickening. What was the objective? Why did she need to know? What would it have proved or improved? It turned into a stupid ass shouting spell that profited nothing. Where it left the pain inflictor? I'm not sure. Where it left the inquirer? even more confused than at the onset. Quietly, I hurt for her. Only her spirit can discern truth at this point. Where did it leave me? It left me open with my character in question...it left me looking like a psychopathic liar bitch purposed at ruining others. I'm not that chick. My life right now is going really good...too good to try to live in the past and ruin someone else. The truth be told...I loved him too much to want to cause harm. It was love for him that kept me quiet and concealing my pain. It was love for him that blinded me too. It was love for him that ACTED like nothing ever happened in order to save face in front of mutual friends. I'm done...no one ever went that far to protect me or my integrity.

Right Now: I'm over it. I'm all about improving my physical, mental, and spiritual. I'm too pretty to be unhealthy in any way. I'm all about sitting on the beach and thinking my way through waves, daydreaming about how to be better tomorrow than I was today, seeing in the horizon the me I've always wanted to be, missing my family and shedding a tear sometimes, and thinking of ways to get closer to them without losing my dream.

Is the blog dying?...updates

Is blog world gone? It seems like so much has been happening in life that blog matters aren't so important. The blog for me was a place to express my thoughts and creatively release all the bull*ish from my mind. I have been looking around the web and seeing the blogs of others being neglected...a lot like my own. Most of the things I've been thinking about lately weren't appropriate for public display. There are, however, a few things that I've observed and experienced that are blog worthy:

1. White kids trying to gang bang: At the House of Blues-Anaheim (the OC for the uninformed), a friend and I were taking in a little T.I. when we noticed we were surrounded by white kids with bandanas and fitted caps cocked to the side. Since we both teach in South Central, we cracked up laughing at the fact that we have students (7th-12th grade) who are REAL gangbangers (22nd street Crips). We laughed harder picturing our students "bangin'" on these fake thugs:
Student: "What's up fool? What set you from?"

2. TI:The motivated ATLien is short as hell. His big voice, southern drawl, and cute face make him seem so much bigger than he really is. This concert was my first rap concert and first time at the House of Blues anywhere. It seems like I would make plans to go but other things were always more important. This summer...concerts are on the rotation.

3. Young Jock: LAME. He preceded TI and his entire was lame. It was like watching Young Jeezy perform when he was ten. The only thing that made his portion of the show pop was the DJ playing everyone elses hits. Oh, yeah...there was that shoulder bop that I am feeling right now.

4. Snowbunnies: Everyone black guy in the OC has a white girl. But I realized that non-black girls are far more affectionate than black women. Maybe I realized this because I am not a PDA person and you really don't see black girls kissing and hugging their guys in public...are we losing out? hmmm (E-40: "Whhhhhhhiiiiiiitttteee girl...white girl, white girl...wwwwhhhhhhiiiiiiittttteeeee girl!)

5. Laguna Beach: Why didn't I ever watch this show? I am falling in love with the re-runs and I will definitely be in front of the screen to stalk "The Hills" when it airs on Wednesday.

6. Leigh's coming to visit...YAY!!!!

7.cherise is still the homie...

8. ummmm...I'm a Delta:)

9. My mother and I went on our first mother/daughter vacation and i look forward to many more.

10. First generation bourgie is now underway:) (that's for the homie from the A-U-Geezy)