catching up...

Since I have been absent from Blog World for a while, I figured I'd share some of my most recent rantings...


Pinot Grigio


After watching the movie Sideways and trying to figure out how it got so many Oscar nominations, I realized that my new aspiration should be to become a wine connoisseur. I thought I was the shit asking for Riesling at restaurants only to discover that it is the premature wine drinker's favorite. I had my first Pinot Grigio at a friends house this past weekend. After about two glasses and asking some male friends "how soon is too soon", I was pleased for two reasons: I realized that I didn't fall into the whore category and pinot grigio is my new favorite wine:)

Which leads me to point #2:




505 seems to think ordering a spinach and feta cheese omelette at the Original House of Pancakes in Atlanta, being an active alumna, shopping on weekends, attending a house party in LA with valet, and exercising= "acting light-skinned". Whatever...there is nothing wrong with desiring the most out of life, I've been humble for a long time.


Needy Guys

If I have only spoken to you on the phone once, why do you ask me what an ideal date with you would be like...its not the question, it was the delivery. (LAME) Men act like women, one effing phone call and its "wedding bells"...negro pleeeeeeaaassseeee!!! (in the background...NEEEXXXTTTT!!!!)



Til next time,
DOC

Closing the Books

Disclaimer: This blog is a little more personal, so...if you're looking for something comical...this isn't the one:) I was beginning to censor my blog from what I really wanted to write about because I felt the subject matter too personal...but eff it, I am who I am. ENJOY!!

With that said, I am ready to free myself. I always wanted to be the type of person that maintained relationships with significant others. You know, the "nice" girl who was always looked upon fondly because although things didn't work out she would be one that could be revisited. After seven+ years of being this person, I've decided that I don't want to be her anymore. I've been loved yet overlooked, respected but underappreciated, and the chosen subject of infidelity. The men...honorable, trustworthy, humorous, caring...good people. No matter how many times I try to analyze the comparative opportunity cost between them all I keep coming up with the same answer: not good enough for you.

This isn't about being insatiable and meticulous about the opposite sex. Flaws are flaws and it is up to each person to decide which they are able to deal with and which they simply cannot. What cannot be compromised is sincerity of purpose. I have to close the book on the guys who sorta wanted to be on my team but for whatever reason failed to make the mark. I'm closing the book on the guys who couldn't see past the superficial; they saw me but they didn't see ME. I'm closing the book on the past loves with present hopes; I realized I was the only one hoping. Yeah, no one will admit they've been here too and its okay. Self-actualization is on-going.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life"-- Proverbs 13:12

DOC

The Blog for ME not your Personal Enjoyment

While everyone raced to think of New Year's resolutions that they'd eventually fail to attain by December 2006, I was one black woman who said "hell no" to sensationalist optimism. After speaking with one of my Program Directors today and digging through layers of rationale I realized I couldn't think of any realistic resolutions because I didn't have a PLAN. I thought I my disdain for teaching and all things Teach for America were because of my bad ass kids and Teach for America's dishonest and unrealistic image of expectations and freedom of choice. I felt as if Los Angeles was the worst place on the face of the planet and the only reason why I can't get out of this mess is because I have too much invested financially to get out. My reflections led me to senior year...the first time I was balancing a full-time internship, full-time course load, and part-time job all at once. While things could've been worse, I didn't believe that I had the academic discipline and focus necessary to study for the LSAT/GRE and continue towards a dual law/public policy program. I figured TFA would give me the opportunity to take an engaged break from academia while I sorted things out and simultaneously tried to save the world. I went through the hurdles because I felt obligated since I lacked a PLAN.

THE TRUTH: I am being challenged beyond belief and I'm watching myself do better everyday than I did the day before. I joined Teach for America because I wanted to have the experience of teaching the children for which I'd eventually create Public Policy. Fear of failing to reach my own expectations is what really kept me from going directly to law/public policy school. The experience I'm gaining right now is valuable because I have to be organized and plan in order to survive successfully. I go to work because of Sonia who can't independently organize her thoughts on paper because of her learning disability but she tries harder to succeed than anyone I know. I teach today because of Manuel who appears bipolar and disruptive but really struggles internally on whether its okay to trust that I am here to help. I want to work harder for my students who don't have school supplies because they don't have the money.


I had to reconnect with the ISSUES that lead me to PURPOSE. I didn't need to make a new year's resolution to get it either. Sure...losing weight in 2006 would be great and having a meaningful relationship would be nice, but knowing where I'm going is more valuable. I just took some time out from all the noise in this life that drowns out the quiet voice of direction.

DOC

To thine ownself be true

"This above all: to thine ownself be true. And this must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."-- Shakespeare-Hamlet

In my conversations with my friends during the past week, one thing is fundamentally correct-my friends are the realest group of people I've ever met in my life. Being "real" or remaining true to self is not always the most popular option, however, when we become comfortable with our "true"-selves we cannot be marred by the false expectations of others. Being true to self allows your real friends to stab you in the front (505) and you receive their constructive criticism with love. I'll share some examples:

C: We told this girl everyday that we hated her chunky shoes. This female had a pair of platformed massive monster looking shoes to go with every outfit and we told her how awful her shoes were all the time. Did she stop wearing them? Nope. In fact, she wore those awful monster shoes until she was ready to transition to stilettos and slimmer soles. I appreciate this girl today because she didn't walk around trying to be more than she was. She was herself...sometimes you liked it...sometimes you didn't but she was consistently C-AMW.


L and T: I definitely find the Shakespearean quote true for these chicks. What other strong sense of personal awareness drives them to share their personal realizations with other people even if it places them in the seat of vulnerability? (okay, so I do know one other person like this:)) I used to hate this quality about them but now I love it. If you are comfortable with your emotions and your faults no one else can ostracize you about you...Why?, because you are truly your own worst critic. No one can outdo you in knowing who YOU are.

MB: Original House of Pancakes...June 2005. My friend can't sing worth a damn-okay, well maybe he's not tone deaf but singing isn't his forte. He was so comfortable with himself that he began to sing some random song he was feeling to me aloud at the table. I was grinning ear to ear because it felt good to see someone so free. Unbound by social standard or protocol.

JC: Now this one is throwback. In elementary school, I had a best-friend who wore very greasy lipgloss. This lipgloss looked like the end of a fried chicken meal from Church's. Everyone at our elementary school talked shit about her lipgloss...but she seemed to love it. Everytime the lipgloss appeared to...lackluster, if you will...she applied more and more and more and more. I reflect on this experience with fondness now because my friend was completely okay with others speaking against her lipgloss because SHE liked it. She was happy and that is what really matters in life.


ALL THAT TO SAY: How often do you make choices for others and not for yourself? What makes you happy?


DOC