The Blog for ME not your Personal Enjoyment

While everyone raced to think of New Year's resolutions that they'd eventually fail to attain by December 2006, I was one black woman who said "hell no" to sensationalist optimism. After speaking with one of my Program Directors today and digging through layers of rationale I realized I couldn't think of any realistic resolutions because I didn't have a PLAN. I thought I my disdain for teaching and all things Teach for America were because of my bad ass kids and Teach for America's dishonest and unrealistic image of expectations and freedom of choice. I felt as if Los Angeles was the worst place on the face of the planet and the only reason why I can't get out of this mess is because I have too much invested financially to get out. My reflections led me to senior year...the first time I was balancing a full-time internship, full-time course load, and part-time job all at once. While things could've been worse, I didn't believe that I had the academic discipline and focus necessary to study for the LSAT/GRE and continue towards a dual law/public policy program. I figured TFA would give me the opportunity to take an engaged break from academia while I sorted things out and simultaneously tried to save the world. I went through the hurdles because I felt obligated since I lacked a PLAN.

THE TRUTH: I am being challenged beyond belief and I'm watching myself do better everyday than I did the day before. I joined Teach for America because I wanted to have the experience of teaching the children for which I'd eventually create Public Policy. Fear of failing to reach my own expectations is what really kept me from going directly to law/public policy school. The experience I'm gaining right now is valuable because I have to be organized and plan in order to survive successfully. I go to work because of Sonia who can't independently organize her thoughts on paper because of her learning disability but she tries harder to succeed than anyone I know. I teach today because of Manuel who appears bipolar and disruptive but really struggles internally on whether its okay to trust that I am here to help. I want to work harder for my students who don't have school supplies because they don't have the money.


I had to reconnect with the ISSUES that lead me to PURPOSE. I didn't need to make a new year's resolution to get it either. Sure...losing weight in 2006 would be great and having a meaningful relationship would be nice, but knowing where I'm going is more valuable. I just took some time out from all the noise in this life that drowns out the quiet voice of direction.

DOC